June 3rd 2010 |
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2010)
review added.
"Thus far Platinum Dunes have remade classic horror films such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Amityville Horror and
Friday the 13th. These were all big name horror films and remaking them is like Kraft bringing out an alternative Vegemite with pre-added cheese,
calling it 'iSnack 2.0' and hoping for success. Oh, Kraft did that? *shakes head in dismay*"
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May 20th 2010 |
HANCOCK
review added.
"Sam Worthington's agent acquiring his client a deal:
BS Agent: "Hey, Sam isn't just some cheap whore you can throw you script scraps at you know!? He has artistic pride & integrity. He is not doing
this film unless it's released in 3D!"
Producer: "Oh shit, I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention that? Yeah, it's going to come out in 3D. Hopefully the audience will be so confused they
don't know WHAT they're coughing up the money for!"
BS Agent: "*screams like a ghoul* MMMMMMMMM MONEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! *clears throat* Okay, that's more like it. Sam's in!""
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May 17th 2010 |
DIAGNOSIS? YOU'RE FUCKED IN THE FLOOGLE-WHATS-IT! NEEEEXT!
rant added.
"Corporate mental health tips... Ignore your emotions - don't explore them. Float through life a fucking idiot who doesn't think about anything. You know, like the fuckheads who cut you off in traffic or leave their trolleys sitting in the middle of an aisle
at the shops while they're in another aisle altogether! Fill your head with so much brainwashed, self-confidence building bullshit that thinking about what you're doing at all times is no longer a priority - hell - it's not even in your programming anymore."
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April 20th 2010 |
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April 14th 2010 |
HAVE A SMOKE & SHUT THE FUCK UP
rant added.
"The fact is humans are weak and insecure creatures. Any chance we have to band together as a majority
to outcast a minority and we will avidly go at it. The fucking days of witch burning anyone? Pathetic, fear driven human instinct and behaviour
doesn't disappear, it is just moulded into more "civilised" (and I use the word civilised in a very loose way) forms as time moves on."
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March 24th 2010 |
SHUTTER ISLAND
review added.
"...I think some people just make a negative opinion on something when they simply don't get it. It's a move carried out by the insecure among us. Fearing their intelligence be judged inadequate when they don't get something as straight forward as a murder mystery film. It's funny though... Donnie Darko, in my eyes, is just random, stupid imagery and to be honest I think the fucking movie is shit. I actually think the director, Richard Kelly, doesn't really know how to make a film and he lucked out on some fuckwits thinking Donnie Darko was "intellectual" or "artistic" simply because they KNOW they don't fucking get it. I choose to believe people DIDN'T like Shutter Island, because they didn't get it. I can't think of any other reason why you would feel negatively about it, as it's simply a brilliant fucking story."
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March 20th 2010 |
EDGE OF DARKNESS
review added.
"It's good to see Gibson playing crazy on screen again, Riggs style, as opposed to crazy in real life. I'm over what these celebrities do in their personal
lives, because I aint no fucking role model for stability - I'll tell you that right now. Old Mel has the eyes of a crazy man and he knows how to use it in his films."
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March 14th 2010 |
SURROGATES
review added.
"Surrogates is directed by Jonathan Mostow, who also helmed Terminator 3. So any of you would be pardoned for assuming that this movie couldn't possibly be anything
other than a steaming pile of cinematically blasphemous, popcorn encrusted shit. Fortunately, for us, it's also based on a fasincating comic book series (same name) which ensures
that deep under it's superficial outer appearance of top billing actors
and abundant CGI, what we have here is a real gem of a story. If I had picked this title up a year later within the weekly section of the video store, I could have
almost sworn Cannon Films had gone back into business and were continuing to serve up it's sci-fi/action gems."
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March 4th 2010 |
COUGAR = Dirty Old Woman
rant added.
"...it's just dirty old women hunting down young men to fuck. Oh, was that wrong of me to say? Did I forget to use some politically correct made up word to take the sharp edges off a taboo topic? I should've thrown more friendly words in like nice, allegedly and fairy. I just seem to have it in my mind (something programmed since day one of my life) that if an older man is dating a younger woman he is a dirty old pervert."
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February 28th 2010 |
Call me a racist...
rant added.
"...but I'd be quite happy to see the middle eastern parts of our world disappear forever :D"
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February 26th 2010 |
WOOLWORTHS, THE FRESH FOOD PEOPLE... BUT BY NAME ONLY.
rant added.
"OHWWWWW! Would you look at that nasty fucking thing!? The camera couldn't pick up the fuzzy white bits lurking in the very centre but as sure as Bill Clinton uses cigars for more than just smoking - the fuzz was there. If I had intended to buy an apple with a surprise shaved cat's anus pulling a brown eye giveaway prize in the middle of it I would've been pleased. Unfortunately, I just wanted a entirely edible apple for my lunch."
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February 25th 2010 |
THANK YOU! COME AGAIN... YOU CUNTS!
rant added.
"Indian journalists... treated to some fascinating tours of Melbourne!
TOUR GUIDE: "TO YOUR RIGHT YOU'LL SEE THE BASE OF OUR FAMOUS SKYSCRAPER... THE RIALTO TOWERS!! ISN'T IT EXCITING! *coughs*... and-to-the-left-you'll-see-the-chalk-outlines-of-another-brutally-beaten-Indian...*coughs*"
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February 24th 2010 |
OMFG! WHY AREN'T YOU NORMAL!?
rant added.
"THIS IS WHAT'S NORMAL!! DON'T YOU WANT TO BE NORMAL!? NOW YOU CAN FEEL SAFE AND REASSURED IN KNOWING THAT YOU'RE NORMAL! BEING NORMAL IS THE KEY TO LIFE! YAY FOR NORMALITY! LET'S ALL BLINK IN UNITED RHYTHM BECAUSE WE'RE SO EXCITED OVER OUR NORMALITY!"
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February 17th 2010 |
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February 17th 2010 |
I'LL BEAT YOU WITH MY CONTROLLER!
rant added.
"Listen, snotty... the only reason they're slipping letters under your door is because you are the ONLY PERSON in the way of Australia joining THE REST OF THE WESTERN WORLD by having an R rating for video games. Do you think people want to really be that close in proximity to your dwelling!? It's not even just gamers who are fucking angry anyway you douchebag. You're so blind to your own ignorance you even talk within the small confines of your close-minded brain. People who hold dearly their right to CHOOSE are also angry. It's called freedom you little scally wag! *roughs up Mr. Atkinson's hair*"
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February 16th 2010 |
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February 15th 2010 |
THE BLUDGEONER FOR PM
rant added.
"All these terrible issues are at hand because the Government is only concerned with money. The bottom line budget controls every fucking move they make and it's all about cutting costs. I understand running a country costs alot of money, but don't we all pay our taxes to pay for these things. Millions of people nation wide work full time for the ENTIRETY of their lives and what for? A lazy government, too scared to speak truth and too cheap to do things right."
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February 14th 2010 |
PUMP UP THE VOLUME
review added.
"Pump Up The Volume and Higher Learning look over at the group of obnoxious films, who are so into themselves they haven't noticed how loud, rude and ignorant they're being, nor do they care anyway. They stand up quietly to leave and go somewhere quieter, walking past the group on their way out. They are mocked by Transformers, 17 Again and Avatar as they pass them.
With this, Higher Learning and Pump Up The Volume move on forward still. Knowing full well that the only thing worse than being mocked by a bunch of obnoxious, loud cunts... is being one."
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February 13th 2010 |
KILLING SPREE
review added.
"...Tom's had enough and he's angry. I know because the synthesiser score just went up in tempo and that means intensity. Then we see Tom walking in a rage down a dark corridor
by the beach, like KoRn in the "Y'all Wanna Single" film clip, kicking at the walls. Fuck, he's angry... I can tell because he's moving his fists around in a cartoonishly angry way. He strolls up to the end of a peir, angry still. This is where he happens upon a stranger and just punches him right off the edge of the peir. Why? Because he was there! Don't get in Tom's way or question him at all. He's angry over a totally unrelated topic
that you have nothing to do with and he WILL fuck you up over it." |
February 11th 2010 |
D.E.B.S.
review added.
"... Oh, sorry, I was just distracted by fireworks going off outside. DEBS is so boring I was that easily distracted. Other things that distracted me while DEBS was on were:
a mouse farting,
a feather dropping outside,
an advertisement on TV that was more entertaining,
my own thoughts of how cardboard came to be." |
February 9th 2010 |
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
review added.
"'I HAVE THE POWEEEER!' is usually something I'm yelling THESE DAYS at the point of ejaculation during my bi-hourly masturbation session. But in my pre-adolescent youth these words meant it was time for He-Man to kick some fucking ass with the assistance of his awesome transformed battle cat... The best thing about this movie is it's ability to be a pig rolling around in kids action film shit. At no point is it ashamed to be silly and as a matter of fact it fucking REVELS in it... It's just a good hearted kids action film featuring angry beasts, talking skeletons, dead parents, gravy drinking and suggestive sexual relationships. Good hearted, clean, wholesome, fun!" |
February 8th 2010 |
PROM NIGHT
review added.
"Yeah, Prom Night is an insanely frightening film. Because it represents the future leaders of our world down to the T... and fuck me, are they a bright lot. Of course that's complete sarcasm. They're pretty much as intelligent as babboons, only prettier, because - "REMEMBER KIDS, LOOKING PRETTY ON THE OUTSIDE IS ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HAVING A PERSONALITY, A BRAIN OR ANY REAL AMBITIONS FOR THE FUTURE!" *flashes big white toothy smile*..." |
Feburary 6th 2010 |
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February 5th 2010 |
THE RUNNING MAN
review added.
"...a hilariously over the top parody of gameshow/consumerist culture that is both camper than a tent factory at high summer and bloodier than a human abbatoir if it was manned by Myers, Freddy and Voorhees combined... A definitive hark back to simpler, more visceral times in action/sci-fi/exploitation cinema, which didn't rely on CGI. Real stunts performed by real men, with the threat of death or injury just a heartbeat away." |
January 19th 2010 |
SOUTH AUSTRALIA: INCONSISTENTLY OUT OF TOUCH
rant added.
"If there was ever to be a figure within this government to closely resemble Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget (in that he spreads about his evil, but is never seen), it would be Attorney General Michael Atkinson... if he had his way we would ALL be living in cages, blind folded from the evils of the world, with our only activity being running in a fucking spinning wheel. If he had his way we wouldn't have any rights, we would all just pay our taxes and be toldwhat we like, what to do and how to fucking do it."
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January 16th 2010 |
TEETH
review added.
"It's a shame that this film only made just over it's budget. It's such an amazing movie that should be seen by all. Unfortunately, the masses are so blind and closed minded that if there is a violence in a film then it is simply "too vulgar" or the violence is unjustified when they couldn't be more wrong. If more movies like this were bigger in Hollywood and the box office then maybe Hollywood releases would have something a little more interesting to offer other than Pirates of the Carribean part 9 - Johnny Depp's A Billionaire and SAW XII." |
January 13th 2010 |
"BAAH! BAAH!" SAID THE AUSSIE.
rant added.
"Yes, it worked. Hundreds of thousands of mindless Aussies went out to cinemas in droves to watch a mindless film full of mindless CGI that played in mindless 3D so they could all stare mindlessly at the pretty things and stuff their face mindlessly with fucking popcorn and mindlessly text each other in the mall afterwards while they mindlessly shop for mindless trendy clothes." |
January 6th 2010 |
2010 - STARRING JOHN CUSACK
rant added.
"... reality is much crueler than some three penis ended tentacled beast from any Anime out there. Reality is the 21st century only introduces us to the next deepest step in the pool of human indecency. Not just in terms of voilence but in terms of social sanity and the way in which we all carry ourselves." |
December 18th 2009 |
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2
review added.
"Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 is in fact so bad, it's insanely fucking entertaining. You don't NEED to smoke dope to enjoy this movie. You will turn this movie off feeling more fucking stoned than heroin itself could make you feel, ever. You'll manage to have enough brain capacity left to press stop on your remote. Then you'll sit there, stupified, with glazed over eyes and a single strand of coagulated drool coming from your bottom lip resting against your jaw, "guuuuuh... dat was ferny..." Funny, indeed." |
December 17th 2009 |
MOTOR VEHICLE ACCIDENTS MAKE PEOPLE SPECIAL
rant added.
"If one of my friend's die, I'm not going to go to the news and start saying, "Fuck me, this guy... shit... he was built like Arnie. On top of that, he was, shit... he was just Ghandi in the second coming, you know?" I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to fucking say that about me. I'd like to have my vices known so maybe other people watching it could go, "WELL, now I know what NOT to do!" |
December 16th 2009 |
EPIC MOVIE
review added.
"...20 MILLION DOLLARS people. That's 40-80 times the amount any of us will ever be involved with in any way before we die. 20 MILLION DOLLARS... to make an empty, shallow, plastic, badly-written, badly-acted, offensive, no-plot, no-nothing shell of a movie. If they had given a quarter, hell... a twentieth (!!) of that money to a smart indie film producer, writer, directing team... well, in my opionion, it could have been another piece of underestimated cinematic brilliance." |
December 11th 2009 |
TIGER WOODS: A HOLE IN ONE
rant added.
"Before you bounce homies, make sure you check da lyrics to the first single from us Hole In Fuckin One boys called I'M PLAYIN' WIV A MUVVA FUCKIN PITCHING WEDGE.
Peace out,
T. Woody." |
December 9th 2009 |
ZOMBIELAND
review added.
"Tallahassee and Columbus make for a great odd couple... watching them argue out their sides of everything they do is a treat. You could almost call them Murtaugh and Riggs (of Lethal Weapon). Of course, that would just be plain confusion because we all know Woody Harrelson and Jessie Eisenberg are both FAR more sane than Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, who were probably the first two humans who developed and were infected by the virus that made everyone flesh hungry beasts." |
November 29th 2009 |
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November 20th 2009 |
THE WICKER MAN (2006)
review added.
"In the uncut scene, when he has bees poured onto his head, he screams out things like "NO! NOT THE BEES! AHH! THEY'RE IN MY EYES!". The only thing is though, reading that just then is MORE dramatic and genuine than watching Nicolas Cage scream it. You will only see these scenes in the director's cut because Neil LaBlute is the only guy fucking crazy enough to actually include these scenes in HIS director's cut! The producers (for the first time ever) actually had MORE taste than the director and KNEW that if the audience were to see Nicolas's feeble attempt at acting they would scoff and exit the cinema!" |
November 20th 2009 |
TERMINATOR 3 - RISE OF THE MACHINES
review added.
"Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines isn't just a movie about killer cyborgs trying to destroy mankind. It's also about pride, integrity and the persistance of mankind.
That's right, a total lack of artistic pride and integrity and the persistance of mankind in ruining every classic film ever made." |
November 16th 2009 |
Lining the pocket of thugs.
rant added.
"So... what can we really say about this chorus? Well it's consistent,
that's for sure. Sometimes I wonder if Akon is actually from the more
bogan parts of Australia. Especially with his abundant use of "you's",
eg. "Oi, you's was calling me a cunt! I'll smash ya, ya fuck!", "Wait
up you's guys!" and "You's cunts wanna go shit on someone's driveway?"." |
November 6th 2009 |
THE WANKER DIMENSION.
rant added.
"Who the fuck is Nicole Kidman!? Oh is she that washed up actress
who used to be pull big bucks after straightening her hair, dying
her hair, getting heaps of plastic surgery and fluking ONE Oscar
Award win?" |
