| THE PREVENTATIVE HEALTH TASKFORCE! |
 |
|
Thank GOD (whatever the fuck that is) I have the Government looking out for me! I'm so addicted to my cigarettes and my lovely booze, as we all are. This
is why the Government feels they owe us to put a stop to these sickening vices. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd felt is necessary to put together a special team
to tackle this heavy issue. This crack team are not unlike GI JOE, they're called:
THE PREVENTATIVE HEALTH TASKFORCE
Not exactly as easy to yell out as "GO PLANET!" like the Captain Planet team would before battle, but I guess it's dramatic enough not to impose on it's
serious political type job at hand.
Oh and believe me, they ARE a crack team, I tell you. They're so good in fact, they've devised a brilliant and original scheme to stop humans dying by the thousands.
What is this slice of genius pie idea they've proposed? Why... it's a hike in taxes on cigarettes and alcohol of course!
Holy... fucking... shit! ZOMFG!(lol) That is amazing!
Thank god they're a PREVENTATIVE HEALTH TASKFORCE, otherwise they might have just done what any other politicians would do and that's raising taxes on cig... Oh, wait, it's the SAME THING!
You've really let us down PREVENTATIVE HEALTH TASKFORCE. *throws plastic PREVENTATIVE HEALTH TASKFORCE fanclub ring in the bin and sobs*
Not since the Ninja Turtles signed a contract with their three fingered hands to do Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III have I ever been so let down by a team of mutants saviours (mutants in that they're politicians).
I'm sorry, but didn't we just lose a tax on alcopops (teeny type pre-mix alcohol drinks)? Haven't we fucking realised that raising a tax on a toxic substance
our body has adapted to thinking it NEEDS isn't going to do anything but make these addicts pay fucking more? Oh well, I'm sure OUR health is what's important,
and not the fact they're going to make fucking millions out of it. I would've thought the only logical step to make next is to at least ban cigarettes full stop.
If there's one thing I'd ever agree to be being banned (because I'm naturally a supporter of tax paying adults being able to make their own choices) it's fucking
smokes! Once an addict myself, they're an incredibly hard drug (and they ARE a drug) to quit and combined they do more annual damage than alcohol, wreckless
driving and illegal narcotics! But we can't ban them can we? There's too much fucking Government revenue at stake!
Naturally, THE PREVENTATIVE HEALTH TASKFORCE have
stepped in, with spandex uniforms and all, sucking their guts in like Shatner playing Kirk in the later episodes of the 60s Star Trek, stating that raising the
taxes is the BEST option!
MEETING OF THE PREVENTATIVE HEALTH TASKFORCE-
SMOKINATOR: Shouldn't we just ban cigarettes? It's the only way to really prevent people dying from these vices.
CAPTAIN ALCOPOP: Quiet you fool! We NEED the revenue created by smokes, we can't risk losing it. I propose we raise taxes on alcohol & cigarettes. It looks like
we're TRYING to help while making even MORE fucking money because these morons simply wont stop buying the shit no matter how much it costs! WE CAN'T LOSE!
THE GREEN LIVER: *snorts some cocaine* FUCK YEAH! LET'S FUCKING TAX EVERYTHING IN THE "BAD" CATEGORY! FUCKIN... FUCKIN... *scratches face* SUGAR MAN! WE'RE GONNA
TAX THAT FUCKING SUGAR TIL IT'S SO SWEET YOU CAN SNORT THAT SHIT! FUCKING... CEREALS, PANCAKES, FUCKIN ICE CREAM! WE'RE GONNA TAX ALL THOSE BITCHES!
SMOKINATOR: I say we move this meeting to the stripclub, I'm thirsty and we can't smoke in this meeting room.
CAPTAIN ALCOPOP: Good call - somebody get Rudd on the phone and tell him we'll catch him at the usual place for a "meeting". *picks up phone* Driver, pick a car out of
the lot and drive us to the stripclub, you jerk!
PREVENTATIVE HEALTH TASKFORCE:TASKFORCE - ASSEMBLE *throw fists together*
Now I realise all that was a bit silly, but fuck, it doesn't seem far off, bar superhero references. You just know these cunts are down at the pub during their
"meetings" drinking on our dollar and taking constant fucking smoke breaks because they love that shit and taxes BARELY affect them because they're filthy rich pigs!
But to be fair, the PREVENTATIVE HEALTH TASKFORCE have come up with some other nation preserving ideas:
1. Cash incentives or vouchers to encourage people in poorer communities to eat healthy food.
Holy fuck, vouchers huh? That's genius shit! Unless you start coming across issues existing in the USA. This consists of the poorer communities selling their
vouchers for money to buy shit they actually want. Like booze, crack and novelty size bottles with 4 X's on them for storing their moonshine in!
2. A "health compact" between the government and the food industry for cuts in the levels of salt, sugar and fat and to improve the nutritional value in everyday foods.
Hmmm... I'd be most interested in finding the details of this "health compact" and seeing just what exactly is going on. Can I assume the original versions of whatever
products are to become healthier will stay on the shelf - and there will simply be ANOTHER healthy alternative added to the shelf. Why the fuck do we even need Government
assistance in eating the right food? It's YOUR fucking body! You can't tell me you struggle with the concept of one's own health? Have some mutha fucking self control. THe
food is not the issue. The lack of discipline in a spoilt and stressed society is the issue. This is an unnecessary step.
3. A $5 increase in the price of an average packet of 30 cigarettes.
*yawns* This is really just amazing... ly shit! What the fuck is up with raising taxes on something again? Hasn't this been the process for years? The Government full well
knows people will still buy this shit, I'm sure half of the politicians are smokers. They know it will still sell like shit at a fly convention and this whole fucking
tax raising idea is simply a fucking revenue raiser. Whoever can announce this kind of fucking scheme and smile and pretend like it's for the health of "the people" are
one of the most evil and sinister bastards to ever exist.
4. An end to cigarette promotions inside shops.
Cigarette promotions in shops? Where the fuck is this happening? Fuck, I can't even see the brand of cigarette on the shelves! Another bullshit thing added to the list to
deter us from the fact the only thing really being done is a raise in tax!
5. Stricter controls on licensing hours and alcohol advertising.
Okay I'll back the alcohol advertising! Well done good sirs. You must have had a moment of pure sobriety. Probably while you were showering to rid of the hooker sweat and cocaine
residue before going home to your wife.
SMOKINATOR: *scrubs at politically correct penis* "Damn hooker leaving gunk from her trunk on my junk... hey wait a minute! Restrict alcohol advertising! I'll get a raise for this, and I
could always do with more cocaine!".
Well done sir, a logical idea. But this whole reducing licensing hours is a fucking joke. If I need to explain why to you, then you're a cunt. Sure, now you could STILL ask me to explain it, but you'd risk being labelled a cunt to ALL of my three readers! Weight it up - thirst for knowledge or insecurity, which one affects your behaviour more? I bet I know.
Here's MY proposition:
THE BLUDGEONER'S SUPER HAPPY FUN LAND TASKFORCE
1. Completely abolish the baby bonus. Too many of the wrong people are having children and raising these children to be not only like them, but a degenerative version of them. Having
less morals, less cares and a decreased sense of responsibility. With each generation of this family comes a more deteriorated version of this person. No wonder we have children
fucking each other, teenagers binge drinking, drug addicted societies and an obesity epidemic - we're not addressing the SOURCE of the ISSUE!
Even if we don't abolish the baby bonus, put people applying for it under a screening proccess (refer to number 2 for details).
The problem is a large percentage of welfare receivers are having money thrown at them and are not spending it in the right way. Some people are quite happy to create a new life for
a large chunk of cash and to never be the kind of parent that new life needs. This is where bad eating habits, adolescent violence and gangs, binge drinking, crime and broken families
begin. For fucks sake, this doesn't seem like a hard conclusion to come to and surely, if handled right, this isn't an impossible resolution!
2. Intense approval process of all people seeking government assistance; whether it be unemployment, youth allowance, child care, etc. It all needs approval and these people
should be forced to create their own budgets (with assistance from an "Assistance Approval Agent" *LOOK! The job title can even be turned into AAA :) - "Excuse me, can I please
speak to an AAA? I do nothing but feel I deserve money for it, thanks!"*.
3. Once approved, these people will received a locked in credit card which allows you to only buy certain things from certain stores and they absolutely not trade worthy in any
way to anybody else. (Note: I've personally been whoring this idea about for the past year during subtle chit chat about completely unrelated topics) They will be much like a normal credit card, except really boring and sensible. This will not only help to serve the health of our nation with only certain types of
food product being bought via the card, but this will also stop moochers soiling a system which was built on a foundation of need and trust.
4. Outlaw cigarettes, increase awareness of the "QUIT" assistance and offer discounts on quitting smoking aids, eg. Nicorettes, to those who are truly "suffering".
5. If all this costs too much, every politician can take a %5 pay cut to assist in affording it. Afterall, the health of the nation's people comes before money, right? Right?
I'm sick of fucking Government's pretending to care about us. I mean, fuck, "preventative health taskforce"? Real nice "preventative health" work in preventing stress related heart attacks by increasing the fucking taxes on things. I'm goddamn over being robbed at tax point and being expected to smile and say thanks for looking out for me. Sure, without Government
there's anarchy. But I ask you, what kind of sanity is this? A snowballing juggernaut of real issues swept under the rug so the powers that be can continue to monopolise from a
deteriorating society.
|
|
