Forgive my lack of knowledge in these areas, my complete lack of a legal security blanket to fall upon should somebody from either of the aforementioned companies give a shit what I'm writing about them and finally forgive my completely “un-savvy”, completely non-business nature. Business is a fuck face and if I'm not interested in Uwe Boll the horror movie director fuck face, why would I care about business, the man-made consuming cancer fuck face.

I'm not a money man and I'm certainly not going to justify my existence as making money to get rich so I can die a pompous asshole who has completely forgotten what real life has to offer. But I do believe in the fair go. But what the fuck has happened to the fair go? It's faded at the same rate of which a politician's double chin grows once they're in a position of tangible power. *punches out Paul Keating & John Howard*. Apologies for that outburst of violence, it wasn't related to this article, I just quite simply felt like doing it. Now that that's out of my system, I'm going to begin my tyrannical rant.

Coles - you son of a bitch, you mother fucker, you totally diseased conglomerate built on an unstable foundation of defecation. You are the biggest, most useless, most fucking pathetic example of a company I could ever imagine. Whatever keeps you flying high simply exists from the past. It's like that mountain is still big because it was that big a million fucking years ago, it doesn't mean it's not a total piece of profit losing shit. There's only one company worse than you Coles and that's Telstra, but we'll get to that later.

Coles, and you too Woolworths, have a lot to answer for. Why was it in the height of the insanely expensive petrol prices, you justified BOOMING high prices for your product (whether it be grocery or your shitty excuse for “fresh” produce) by stating petrol prices were driving costs up which you had to cover by increasing prices. But here we are with the petrol prices back down below ONE dollar (that's about 40 cents lower than it was at the time you so boldly stated it is all petrol's fault) and the prices, why… the prices have GONE UP! Holy shit, is anyone else shocked? What's the excuse now Tweedle C and Tweedle W? Is it the drought? Ohhhh, it IS the drought. The drought is affecting the cost of EVERYTHING; of course it's the drought! How foolish of me to assume it was the plague of greed. But hey, I guess if there wasn't a drought, or high petrol prices, even then we'd be WRONG to assume greed, because Tweedle C & Tweedle W REALLY DO CARE ABOUT THEIR CUSTOMERS!!

That's why they store their “fresh” produce for months & months at a time and then spend millions on stupid bullshit advertisements. Making us think how family orientated they are. Hey wow, they've got families just like us! Families that have cooks and gardeners and Jeeves… the FUCKING BUTLER, because they're FILTHY FUCKING RICH! Wow, I'm stoked they know how to relate to us with their lies and their projections of humble pie in the sky bullshit dreams. Here's an idea C & W, you could stop spending so much money on advertisements that project the image of fresh produce and honest humble business practice. Then you could inject ALL OF THAT into ACTUALLY PROVIDING FRESH PRODUCE and ACTUALLY HIRING ENOUGH STAFF TO SERVE ON WHATEVER NIGHT YOU'RE OPEN. Holy fuck, you could even reduce the over-spending on CEO salary packages (because we all know CEO's do sweet fuck all but spend time in “meetings” of questionable value in the first place) and put it back into the areas that need it. Then if you don't need to project all your bullshit (you know the images you're trying to achieve that represent the pure OPPOSITE of everything your companies are) and put it into actual business operations, you could increase customer satisfaction, thus increasing (in the long term) overall profit, right? Shit, that's long term though isn't it. Oh yeah, the thing only that actually matters is the precious shareholders, which are mostly shown results in the short term, fuck looks like you'll just have to keep shafting the people that matter (you know, the LOYAL employees and customers who eat your shit daily and say “mmm, tastes like chicken! (from an independent)”) until all that's left is the option to sell to another company for them to most likely fuck it up or sell it off.