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WOOLWORTHS,
THE FRESH FOOD
PEOPLE... BUT BY NAME ONLY.
RANTED BY:
THE BLUDGEONER
THE BLUDGEONER
Share February 26th, 2010


*sings:

"WE'RE WOOLWORTHS THE FRESH FOOD PEOPLE...
THAT'S WHY WE PROLONGUE STORAGE OF OUR FRESH FOOD!"


Yes, Woolworths love their fresh food so much... they feel a need to store their "fresh" produce for up to 6 months! Naturally, this is something that NEEDS to be done because due to the avid nature of a consumer demanding shit they want, all kinds of fruit must be supplied all year around.

Think about it... do apples really grow on trees all year around? It's funny though isn't it? You never really consider that most fruit only has a short length of seasonal time yet here it is, looking all colourful and lovely at the shop... EVERY MSEASON OF THE YEAR?? Of course, some fruits are not available all year around. Most probably due to the fact that some fruits, despite how much you lower the oxygen in a cool room, just cannot be stored for long periods.

Anyway, I've been buying apples from Woolworths now for some time. Each time I've bitten into one time it seemed... odd. It was "softish" at points. Never really brown... just "softish" at points. But most of the time they were as crisp as a babies bum. Babies asses are crisp - don't argue with me - I'm a paedophile! So on I continued to consume these apples. Until today when I bit a little too deep into the apple at one of these "softish" points, only to look down and see this:



Need an extreme close-up?


OHWWWWW! Would you look at that nasty fucking thing!? The camera couldn't pick up the fuzzy white bits lurking in the very centre but as sure as Bill Clinton uses cigars for more than just smoking - the fuzz was there. If I had intended to buy an apple with a surprise shaved cat's anus pulling a brown eye giveaway prize in the middle of it I would've been pleased. Unfortunately, I just wanted a entirely edible apple for my lunch.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm... I'm now going on the assumption that every time I experienced "softism" this is what was lurking beneath the colourful, fake exterior. How odd... it's an almost spherical replica of our world! :)

*vomits*

Excuse me... an Asian in my office just "hocked up a loogie" because it's "in their culture", so they're allowed to be fucking pigs. Classic, the apple didn't make me throw up but the Asian did... *chuckles and looks upward in a moment of fond reminiscing* Ho-ho! It's always those crazy Asians that make me throw up.

Back to the point - Woolworths, you may be the fresh food people, but I won't be going back to any of your stores. You, as a conglomerate, are obviously a lot better at advertising and projecting false images of quality than you are at actually... you know... supplying it!



Right click here and select "Save As" to download audio of what I think should be their new slogan.


There are 3 comments
Tetrion
February 26, 2010 - 03:26
Subject: So Bloody True.

Yep, that's what happens when we have a duopoly for shopping in Little Ole Adelaide. Being a second generation, Agrarian southern European, I was raised on home grown veggies. I can tell you without a doubt that the putrid, rotting, flavourless trash that the big two tout as 'fresh' is downright criminal. Nothing I've purchased from them or even market gardeners comes close to the quality you can grow yourselves. Unfortunately, we're either too lazy, tired or haven't enough space to grow our own to be totally self-sufficient.

I like every other person, am as much to blame as those purveyors of rotting crap. Unfortunately, most sheeple out there have been bred to accept this garbage as premium, and not demand anything better. I know that those European countries raised in a high standard, culinary culture demand decent food products. Due to our tasteless British heritage, we've inherited their inferior food quality. I remember seeing a documentary where they were talking about the quality of British veg, using tomatoes as a prime example. They took a sample to Spaniards to try, resulting in nearly all of them almost turning green and instinctively spitting it out. Explaining that the Spaniards wouldn't stand for this type of inferior product.

They mentioned that in order for food to be available all year round, the food is picked while green and unripe, frozen till when it's needed (up to 12 months), and then artificially ripened with chemical gasses when the product isn't naturally available. Tomatoes are picked for so they could literally bounce when dropped, due to the sheeple's demands.

I'll cherish the day when some multinational decides to muscle in on our greedy duopoly, and actually give us a bit of competition.

Josh – South Australia
February 25, 2010 - 19:47
Subject:

This has somewhat worried me, being a frequent patron of Woolworths, due to their somewhat lower-than-usual prices (at least the one I shop at.) I'll be certain to be extra careful the next time I bite into an apple!

I guess this is symptomatic of all supermarket chains. I'd say that 99% (I'm pulling this statistic straight out my arse) of food nowadays has a million different chemicals in it. Some of this is to keep the food fresher and edible for a longer period of time, due to the average person being lazy and wanting convenience in all things, including food. Its what the people want!*

Unfortunately, unless you are willing to either: a) pay exorbitant prices for foods that AREN't mass-produced on a factory line, or, b) live out in the wild and hunt your own food, there really isn't a lot you can do about it.

Did you take the apple back and demand a refund? if you kept the receipt and showed them that apple, denying a refund of your money is a flagrant disregard for your rights as a consumer, and is blatantly illegal.

Anyway, kudos for another informative (and entertaining) rant.

* People are stupid, selfish, mindless fuckwits.

Reply to Josh
Bludge
February 25, 2010 - 18:48
Subject:

I agree completely sir.

I guess the whole thing is eating used to be hard work. You caught your food, washed it, prep'd it, cooked it. It was all you baby. Whereas now we have all our pretty little pre-packaged meals and we know nothing of what goes into it. We will all pay a big price for our laziness - our health!

I haven't taken it back yet man but I've kept and I will certainly be raising some points. A simple refund wont do... I have many questions and without answers I won't rest satisfied.

I'm digging the use of asterix's in the comments - keep it up cunt haha.

No worries mate~

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