Corporate and employee health is very important to each workplace's powers that be. It's a large part of their day to day priorities - eg. fooling the legal system into thinking they truly are concerned about the individual employees so they cover their asses in the case of an employee having a breakdown or a heartache or *insert workplace medical emergency here*. My workplace has hired a health group to do monthly or fortnightly or what the fuck everly assessments on staff who came forward expressing interest in being apart of this facade. I won't name the company that does it due to legal reasons. Let's just say... they're a "corporate health company" with the word "Corporate", the word "Health" and the word "International" in their title. hehehe.

So, I'd like it known I did not take part in this plan. I will not let my workplace delegate or take charge of my own personal health. I know my limits, I work out regularly and I take the correct mental health procedures to ensure I securely fit in as just another number in our cannon fodder society. But some of my work associates HAVE taken part. Guess what - TURNS OUT MOST OF THEM ARE UNFIT!? *smacks jaw*

Fortunately for the company I mentioned earlier, every employee here is unfit. This means the company will have to keep a nice lengthy contract open with my workplace, thus making them muchos green! Mostly my associates were told the usual shit anyone with a brain could tell you, eg. Smoking will kill you - but can relieve stress, chocolate releases endorphins - but eating too much will make you fat, a glass of wine a day keeps the doctor away - but don't binge drink because it destroys your EVERYTHING! But then the mental health assessments came and with it came nonsensical fluff talk that we mostly hear coming from politicians.

IF YOU SUFFER FROM STRESS OR TAKE NEGATIVE SITUATIONS BADLY YOU ARE AN ANT!! Seriously, listen to this utter shit:

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING?
Your emotions and feelings are created by thoughts. (Bludge: OMG!!!) Humans
have about 50,000 thoughts a day! These can be either positive or negative,
triggering positive or negative feelings. Negative thoughts are common, often
occuring automatically by habit. These are known as Automatic Negative Thoughts
(ANTs - clever). ANTs are a major cause of stress and daily worrying.


COMMON FEATURES OF ANTs
-They occur automatically.

-Often flash through your mind without you being aware.

-If they were true, would make a person feel quite anxious and unhappy.

-They are unrealistic, but trick your mind into believing them.

-They tend to believe them to be true particularly when you are in a bad mood or feeling low.

-The more you focus on them, the stonger and more frequent they become.

By changing our automatic thoughts, we can change our feelings and improve how
we handle stresses and setbacks in our daily lives. In order to change our
thinking, we need to be aware of our ANTs. Some of the most common types of ANTS
include:

1. Over-generalizing: Coming to a general conclusion based on a single event or
one piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen
again and again. Such thoughts often include the words "always" and "never".

Eg. I forgot to finish that project on time. I never do things right.

He didn't want to go out with me. I'll always be lonely.

^^ Bludge: Hey, how about that!? Collectively, both of those examples had the words "always" and "never" in them! :O

2. Focusing on the negatives while ignoring positives: A tendency to exaggerate the importance of negative experiences while trivializing positive experiences.

Eg. Jill's boss tells her most of her submission is great but also points out a few mistakes she needs to correct. Jill thinks "I can't believe I made such stupid mistakes; he must think I'm really hopeless".

^^ Bludge: Smarten the fuck up, Jill... you're awesome - you're boss is just a snide cunt!

Yadda yadda and so on and so on. It's all the same shit. Basically, NUMB YOUR MIND - BRAINWASH YOURSELF - SMILE. Ignore your emotions - don't explore them. Float through life a fucking idiot who doesn't think about anything. You know, like the fuckheads who cut you off in traffic or leave their trolleys sitting in the middle of an aisle at the shops while they're in another aisle altogether! Fill your head with so much brainwashed, self-confidence building bullshit that thinking about what you're doing at all times is no longer a priority - hell - it's not even in your programming anymore.

I'd like to remind you I fixed several errors throughout that little write up, for instance the first common type of ANT not having a number 1 next to it, missing periods and other careless fuck ups you would expect... well... on THIS site!

The supplied paperwork on being too negative and "not being perfect like the people who came up with this tripe" is littered with various free clip art images. I actually wonder if they came up with "ANTs" simply because the best image they could find was a clip art ant. Either way... I'm REALLY impressed.

So remember guys, next time you get 600 bucks worth of fines at once - along with several bills - just think POSITIVELY! *flashes bleached white toothy smile* Think to yourself, "IT'S OKAY, I'LL JUST EAT THE BILLS FOR DINNER. I MIGHT BE ABLE TO AFFORD ENOUGH RICE TO ROLL UP IN THE BILLS AND I CAN HAVE AN ALL RICE, BILL PAPER CALIFORNIA ROLL! YAY! JAPANESE FOR DINNER! :D :D :D". If you have a car accident, don't get upset, just numb your mind and smile at the other person as they scream spit in your face. Most of all, IF THINGS ARE BAD - say a collective number of things like losing your job, relationship ending and suffering bad health - ALL AT ONCE, THEY'RE NOT REALLY HAPPENING - YOU'RE JUST THINKING NEGATIVELY!! Don't focus on the negatives even if they're the ONLY thing happening in your life. Remember, at least you have your health... oh... um.

This is total bullshit, no!? I understand sometimes it's easy to get pent up over issues that don't matter - Jon Davis of KoRn - I'm looking at you, eyyyy? But fuck me, if you have a lot of issues at once are you telling me it's wrong to feel a little fucking negative?

Let's move onto document number 2...

Document number 2 is jam packed with the same kind of condascending "I'm projecting perfection so you BETTER listen to me you FAILURE" type bullshit, but it now requires OUR input. This document is titled "WORRY WART" and the title is accompanied by another brilliant and FREE clip art image. The clip art, I'm guessing, is meant to be an over-heated man struggling with the stress of standing on one leg near a wonky table, with a phone ringing on it, with some sort of block shaped object, which could pass for either a 3 legged chair or 3 legged pet, standing below his raised leg. Wow, I thought I had problems!? :O Please refer to the scan for a complete understanding of this clip art's awesomeness:



Also, click HERE to view a JPG image of the cover page in its majestic entirety!

Below the title it's explained to us that stress is the body's way of responding to situations. Stress hormones and adrenaline are released to cause an increase in heart rate, blood presurre, breathing rate and muscle tension so that our body is prepared to fight or flee a situation. This is why you don't ask Tommy from Goodfellas - "ohw whaddya gettin excited for?" He doesn't know... all he knows is his heart is pumping like a mother fucker and he wants to beat the shit out of Billy Batts.

Anyway, after many other things we're told that we already know we get to a section where it asks us what do we enjoy doing the most - you know - so you don't stress? Of course this document completely ignores the fact most of us work full time jobs. Here are the three questions as follows:

QUESTION 1. WHAT IS THE ACTIVITY YOU ENJOY MOST OF ALL AND WISH YOU COULD DO EVERYDAY?
MY ANSWER 1. Watching/reviewing movies.

Q 2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DID THIS?
MA 2. Two nights ago.

Q 3. IF IT HAS BEEN A WHILE, WHY?
MA 3. It hasn't been a while.

Q 4. HOW CAN YOU MAKE SURE YOU DO THIS ACTIVITY MORE REGULARLY?
MA 4. By watching more movies??

Wow - what a fucking exercise in psychological analytical BRILLIANCE! So basically... I need to watch more movies to be happy... holy shit! Wish I'd thought of that. Oh wait, I already have. Every fucking time I'm at work. You know, the place I have to be to pay for those bills and fines I'm supposed to be wearing a shit eating grin about?

Of course these brilliant health experts saved the best for last. The last page has "THE STRESS TEST!" *spooky music* Although it's not a useful mental evaluation or anything you'd expect from a doctor. It's still just a half assed document badly written by a privately owned coporate health company. Basically you answer 16 questions that has set answers. The set answers range from Always, Generally, Sometimes, Never. So, you know, we're not generalising here at all. Anyway, depending on the questions, these answers will give you different scores. You add up the score and compare it to the total score results table. I scored a 30 out of 48. This leads me to the following result:

30-40: Well done - you are well on your way to maintaining a healthy lifestyle and ensuring you have the coping skills to deal with stress when it arises. There are a few areas you could improve however, so look back at your scores, see where you scored a 0 or 1 and think about how you could have scored higher.

What... the... fuck? What is this? A fucking choose-your-own-adventure novel!? A fucking pizza hut placemat fucking treasure map maze!? I've just spent the last hour of my work time, letting my work build up, knowing I'm going to be EXTRA STRESSED, so that you, the "expert", can now tell me I'm not THAT stressed and to be even less stressed I should look back at vague answers to vague questions and COME UP WITH MY OWN FUCKING SOLUTIONS!? Well fuck you very much. I'm back at step one except now I have a fuckload of overdue work to do. Thank god you were here for this valuable and necessary evaluation. Do you do handy work too? Next time I need to use a thingy-majig to attach a googa-whats-its to a snozzwanger at the force of fluggel-whoob neuton metres, I'll fucking call YOU!

Thank god for corporate health schemes... adding more bullshit, more facade and more confusion into all of our lives... because that's exactly what we fucking need. Hey, you want a healthy employee? Well, I'm stressed right now. I know all I need is a fucking cigarette. So up from my desk and off I go :)