 |
MOVIE REVIEW:
ALMOST FAMOUS
(2000)
DIRECTOR:
Cameron Crowe
STARRING:
Patrick Fugit, Billy Crudup, Jason Lee, Kate Hudson, Frances McDormand.
|
|
|
Movies are awesome. I love movies that can pull me away to a fantastical world where either reality is turned into an obscure over dramatised version of our existence or where completely impossible shit happens and I'm like "wow - that shit is completely impossible but here I am seeing it!". The innocence of a great story being told through the eyes of a passionate visionary with true performances from it's cast and with technique from it's crew that only experience can offer is a great thing. But then there are movies with a total sense of smugness. An undefeatable sense of cockiness and enhanced self esteem. One of those films that if it were to be a person it would be the annoying "actress" of the class in grade 10 at high school who thinks they are the shit. When they walk into the room they explode into the room singing in accapella "look at meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee". *smashes a glass into their throat severing their vocal chords until all they're singing is a blood curdled version of "Help me! My throat has been cut by the angry man who hates me!"*.
Almost Famous is this student. A smug, cocky, know-it-all mother fucker who wont shut the fuck up about itself. This movie whores its own "ideals" and images more than Kate Hudson whores her stupid smile, flat nose and equally flat chest. You know what, Penny Lane, you're a fucking groupie, so get over it and stop smiling as though you're top shit. *ahem* I'm getting away with myself.
Almost Famous is written, produced & directed by Cameron Crowe - which means this one asshole has way too much control over a movie which is HIS vision and HIS stupid story. Therefore it's a feature length strand of masturbatory projection. A chunk of semen floating in the air after it's catapulted from it's creator's urethra. Ech. Unfortunately for the world that awaited it's release, this particular semen DID make it to the egg, the egg of Hollywood. Spawning a bastard creation of hype, awards and acclaim. Goddamn I hate the world.
|
|
Almost Famous is about William Miller (Patrick Fugit - who has REALLY gone places since this film. NOTE: SARCASM!), a boy beyond his years in intelligence, but years behind socially. With thanks to the influences of his hippie sister, Anita (Zooey Deschanel), he is also beyond his years in musical knowledge. He is turned to music after his sister moves out of home with her boyfriend due to conflict with their single mother, Elaine (Frances McDormand), who is completely old school (by 1960s standards) and leaves him her entire collection of records in the process. After becoming encaptured by the world of music and all that it has to offer beyond the plain and straight walls of our work to live world he aspires to be a music journalist for Rolling Stone magazine.
|
|
|
^^ Phillip Seymour Hoffman playing himself - a fat slob - again.. |
|
He hooks up with Cream magazine reporter, Lester Bangs (Phillip Seymour Hoffman), who happens to be in his local town for an interview on the radio and professes his love and passion for music, trying to prove his worth in writing for a music magazine. Lester (after much convincing and conversing) decides to give William a go. That's very nice of you, Mr. Bangs, to give this CHILD a chance at writing for Cream magazine. He is sent off to a Black Sabbath show to interview the lovely bunch of fellows.
Ridiculous plot point in a film that projects no other sense of fantasy : William, THE CHILD (I don't care if he lies about his age - he clearly looks like a child), is hired by Cream magazine to interview Black Sabbath.
Upon arriving to his first show to meet Sabbath, William is confronted with an issue. He can't get into the show even with his pass because HE'S A CHILD and simply is not taken seriously. There is where he meets a bunch of feral tart groupies. Do you know why I know they're feral tarts? A.) I can see them, B.) They're hanging out with Faruza Balk and C.) Their "leader" is Kate Hudson, sporting a freshly ironed nose. Apparently Kate Hudson's character, Penny Lane, is something of a celebrity groupie - although in this day and age I'd say she'd simply be listed amongst past Big Brother contestants. She's so huge in fact that it is brought to the attention of William by one of the feral tart groupies that he isn't just conversing with ANY groupie, it's THE Penny Lane. William reacts in the manner in which anyone else would, which is not at all, with maybe a tinge of slight confusion. Then again, William spends most of this film appearing confused. Maybe he just isn't as smart as we all thought he was? You got Punk'd Phillip Seymour Hoffman! Ho-ho! Sucks to be you! Now you have a CHILD reporting for your magazine! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL I'm internet savvy and use cool shit like "LOL" even when I'm not laughing out loud. Twitter - here I come! :) |
 |
Anyway, William eventually gets into the show but can't line up an interview with Black Sabbath (which kind of leads me to think William isn't cut out to be a music journalist at all) and instead interviews the up and coming support band, Stillwater. The article comes out and Rolling Stone get word of how good his writing is (I can�t help but notice that nobody is paying attention to the fact that he FAILED in his duty of interviewing the main act BLACK SABBATH) and hire him to tour with Stillwater as a journalist for Rolling Stone magazine.
William agrees to hang with Stillwater and begins his "musical quest" in journalism. At this point I believe we're supposed to be suddenly "enlightened" to the magic that is the music industry and live shows as William is thrust into a world he never knew, meeting all sorts of odd characters and whores along the way. Do you feel the magic William? Do you feel the magic of the greedy studios, the asshole security
|
Excuse me, Miss Lane, you have a little herpes on your lip... ^^ |
guards, the young underage women willing to open their legs to multiple strangers, the evil influences of drugs and alcohol, the fights between band members and the complete and utter insecurity surrounding the whole fucking thing!? DO YOU FEEL THAT MAGIC YOU LITTLE SON OF A BITCH!? Oh, excuse me, I got carried away again.
During William's travels we experience with him all the "craziness" of what happens while on tour with a rock band. There is fighting amongst band members, eg. You fucked my girl, you're the guitarist but you're getting more attention than I - the lead singer, etc. At one point, the guitarist Russell (Billy Crudup) goes off with William with the intention of giving William a one-on-one interview (William spends most of the movie tryingt to get this interview with Russell - with no success) but they end up going to a party to get away from the rest of the band after they get angry at him for a T-shirt featuring him more prominently than the rest of the members. Why they're angry at him I do not know, I'm pretty he didn't print or design these T-shirts, so chill the fuck out guys. Alas, Russell takes drugs and drinks a little bit too much which leads us to the "infamous" scene where Russell stands on the roof above the backyard pool of the party yelling such memorable quotes as "I am a golden god!". Pretty awesome man, you're on a roof and you're going to jump into a pool! Anyway, he does jump into the pool - woooaaaah! See William, drugs are bad!
Anyway, Russell starts to come down, freaks out at William that he is evil and then the band comes to pick him up. On the tour bus morale is low and the tension is so thick they're swimming in a bowl of band tension jelly. "Tiny Dancer" begins to play throughout the bus, you know, that memorable diddy by Sir Elton of I'm-a-totally-weird-bum-jabbing-stupid-looking-balding-grumpy-old-asshole John. Anyway, people start to sign along, the drummer starts to air drum along, people smile and suddenly shit is cool again. See, this is how awesome bands are. They're basically a bunch of whinging whiney assholes who can suddenly move on and pretend shit is cool just because they all enjoy a song together and realise "hey man, we're doing this for the MUSIC! My integrity, pride and ego doesn't matter anymore - because Sir Elton of I'm-a-totally-weird-bum-jabbing-stupid-looking-balding-grumpy-old-asshole John rocks!". So I guess William is now privvy to how egotistical and petty the music industry is. This is going to be one hell of an article!
Anyway, much of the rest of the film concentrates on the "relationship" Russell and Penny Lane have formed. A relationship in that, Russell fucks her alot and then throws her away when he is done at almost every chance he gets while Penny obsesses over him. In fact Russell shares such a strong connection with Penny that he feels he is even her owner and trades her in a game of poker. Now that is quite a rare, unique and illegal relationship, something to be cherished for eternity (or until the tour is over) I'm sure.
|
| Once Penny (I should mention her real name is Princess - *rolls eyes*) has been traded (rejected as an outcast) we see a weaker more vulnerable side to her. Who would have guessed that under the smug smile and inflated self-esteem of this flat nosed groupie there would lie an insecure girl desperately seeking approval and love at every turn. Experiencing a whirlwind of rejection and self-loathing within her own sub-conscious on a daily basis. I never would have assumed that about a girl who fucks and follows a bunch of older strange men just because they're musicians! *smacks jaw*. Penny tries to get back in with the boys of Stillwater but faces much difficulty. You see, Russell's actual partner has decided to tag along for this concert and doesn't like the looks Penny is giving Russell from a distance. Naturally Russell does not return these looks and sits there looking stiff and soaking in sweat. |
|
|
^^ Whimsical, poetic, airy-fairy shot of Penny Lane no. 749. |
|
Stillwater (still with Russell's wife in tow) and William hop onto a small plane to head to their next show where they have some trouble and believe they are all going to die in a firey plane crash. At this moment they all expose their lies that the singer, Jeff (Jason Lee), slept with Russell's woman and the drummer is gay and yadda yadda. All crazy shit and they don't care because they're under the impression death is imminent. Anyway, William finally snaps and screams at them about how they threw Penny away like (the) trash (that she is) and how they're all assholes and basically, he's not impressed. Then the plane corrects itself, shit goes cool and now everyone is left feeling reasonably awkward and unsure and they all probably can't wait to get messed up and be happy again.
At the airport William departs Stillwater's company and heads back home. He has an article to write and Rolling Stone are becoming most anxious about the lack of writing they've seen from William. The young lad decides to base his article on the near death experience on the plane, basically exposing Stillwater for all their dramas, their egotistical traits and the general weaknesses of the band. This is not a malicious move, just the band is so shit that what else WOULD he write about. Hehe. Rolling Stone ring Stillwater to confirm the story and they completely deny it all and naturally things become sour between William and the band.
Penny Lane sends a letter to Russell, saying a few words and asking him to meet her at her "home address". Russell decides to do this and goes to the address only to realise Penny Lane has Punk'd Russell and it is in fact William's address. Russell FINALLY gives William his long desired interview, they re-bond over the memories and the music and some happy tunes play. This shit is finally over, thank the gods... or the other producers who may have finally tied Cameron Crowe down for long enough to stop him stroking his own penis for five minutes.
|
| Almost Famous is a ridiculously fluffy film full of annoying stereotypes, annoying faces, annoying actors and annoying annoyances. I don't dispute that the film is shot well and I bet it's a well written script too. It's just a shit fucking story where nothing really happens that I didn't already know about. Maybe it's my background in bands or maybe it's the fact I have eyes and ears but everything in this movie seemed fake and I just felt like I was watching actors pretend to be people in the music scene. Jason Lee in particular needs to die in this film. I would like to take his long fake hair and tie it around his fucking neck and pull on it, cutting off his oxygen supply so that he can no longer breathe. The only person who didn't annoy me in this film was Billy Crudup and I'm pretty sure he didn't annoy me because everyone else was SO annoying that he didn't stand out as a major annoyance. I'm so annoyed by this film that the word "annoy" has been used variably so much in this paragraph that the word "annoy" just sounds weird and annoying now! |
|
|
^^ STILLWATER - The thirst quencher! ...Oh, I mean, gay rock band. |
So there you have it, Almost Famous is not an insanely terribly made movie. It has good production qualities up the whazoo! The performances aren't even terrible. It's just the story and the characters and everything "written" to do with this film is annoying. Not only is it annoying, it feels false and incorrect. The movie watches like a romantic groupie dream and not like a true story of a band on the road. Nothing could sum up more what exactly is wrong about this film than that last line.
On another final note, Kate Hudson is a whore. I bet Kate Hudson farts so much in bed that she NEEDS to be a millionaire to replace her expensive silk sheets because she burns so many holes in them with her own special brand of pressurised methane gas. Maybe the rest of the world is fooled by her stupid little smirk but not fucking I. Not this movie or any of her other movies (all co-starring Matthew McConaughey) are any good and I have NO idea why anybody gives a fuck about her - I'm looking at you, Owen!
Thanks Cameron Crowe, as if the drugs, smokes and alcohol hadn't done enough damage, I am now even more retarded for watching this fluffy, masturbatory steaming pile of shit!
|
|
While holding a tiny dancer closer and strangling the fuck out of him/her I give this movie: |
|
1.5 OUT OF 5 JAGER-BABIES. |
|
| |
