I'm gonna be blunt here - this movie can go fuck itself. Not only can it just go fuck itself, it can go fuck itself in its whorish, non-sensical anus.
DEBS is the epitome of annoying lesbian girl power action films targeted at 12 year old girls. Actually... DEBS is probably one of the ONLY annoying lesbian girl power action films!
Despite it's obvious target demographic the film consists mostly of gun fire & lesbianism. But worry not,
it's also full of ridiculously stupid plot points, the lamest fucking dialogue to ever exist and completely bizarre occurences whose stupidity could
ONLY be overlooked by a bunch of easily excited teeny boppers, eg. the lead villain, Lucy Diamond, apparently leaves a trademark of scattered diamonds strewn
amongst the floor, when she disappears from the scene of a crime. Now, all three DEBS are discussing with one DEB, who has just survived an altercation with
Lucy Diamond, that there is NO WAY she could have just interacted with Lucy Diamond because she wouldn't be alive if this was true. At this point they all suddenly
realise they're surrounded by scattered diamonds allover the floor. Did we see these diamonds explode or scatter? No, we didn't. Did we see these diamonds fall
from the roof of the warehouse they're situated in? No, we didn't. They were just suddenly there. Though, the funniest part is the discovering of the diamonds is meant
to be so exciting that any teeny bopper viewing the film at this point wouldn't question how long it took them to notice the diamonds or where exactly they
came from, they would just be so fucking excited at the sight of the pretty diamonds, only just able to stop their brains from exploding, that they would just
continue on through the film in blissful ignorance.
DEBS is not just a stupid film... I REALLY wish I could stress that. The movie isn't satisfied with just being stupid. It is a bottom of the barrell, worst of the
worst writing, non-existent direction, fuck all special effects and the fucking baddest of bad acting cinematic abomination. We have less to fear from SARS, Swine Flu
and Osama Bin Laden combined. Sometimes I say, "THIS MOVIE WAS PAINFUL TO WATCH", or something along those lines... but honestly, this movie is PAINFUL to watch. It
hurts the brain and the eyes and the fucking SOUUUULLLLL - AIIEIEEEEEEEEE!!!! *gets dragged down to hell after soul expiration due to viewing DEBS*
DEBS is written and directed by Angela Robinson (a lesbian). One day Angela was sitting on her couch masturbating to school girl porno when she thought a fucking badass idea for
a short movie would be to have girls dressed in school uniforms, working for a crime fighing organisation, carrying cool guns and eating each other's pussies out. Haha Bludgeoner, you say, don't be silly, they don't REALLY eat each other's pussies out. But the joke is on YOU my friend, this happens in this movie! :O You say, "fucking
awesome!" but I must inform you, all lesbian action in this film is devoid of erotica. Just prettier, more plastic, emotional lesbianism.
^^ Way to hold your guns girl!
Then Angela had an even BETTER idea! Why not
remake the exact SAME story into a full length movie but with different, prettier actors whose careers have just recently started to nose dive!? Who cares that the story cannot sustain a feature length running time!? We'll pad it out with
shit that doesn't matter or make sense! Yay! Fuck, Sam Raimi's Evil Dead 2 has more of a reason to exist than this full length remake of the original short film of the same name.
Looking up the career history of Angela Robinson and trying to find some sort of significant success is like trying to find the sail boat in the Magic Eye picture back during the Magic
Eye craze in the 1990s. It's just not gonna happen, although at least the sail boat will eventually appear if you force your eyes to sit at the same angle Marty Feldman's eyes sit at.
D.E.B.S is about a secret crime fighting organisation that trains young women (for some reason??) up to be full fledged, combat ready...
*walks over to window and stares out of it for a moment*
*comes back to couch*
... Oh, sorry, I was just distracted by fireworks going off outside. DEBS is so boring I was that easily distracted. Other things that distracted me while DEBS was on were:
a mouse farting,
a feather dropping outside,
an advertisement on TV that was more entertaining,
my own thoughts of how cardboard came to be.
That's right... there is NOTHING suggestive about this at all... ^^
Now, where was I? Oh yes, they train girls up to become full fledged, combat ready, women soldiers. The particular DEBS we are focusing on for this "story" are
Amy (Sara Foster), Max (Meagan Good), Dominique (Devon Aoki) and Janet (Jill Ritchie). You may notice that one of them, the French speaking Asian, is the gook who NEARLY became successful via cameo appearances in Sin City and Fast and
the Furious Part Blah Blah Blah. She will probably be the only recognisable face unless you really know your bad movies. Two other faces you may recognise are the big black guy, Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile and
Holland Taylor, who plays the mother in Two and a Half Men. They play less seen more senior roles within the D.E.B.S organisation. God knows what these two actors are doing in this film. One can only
assume they owed somebody money. I, personally, would rather suck on a strange man's penis than be known for contributing to this film and I would NEVER suck on a strange man's penis... unless he was really
rich.
Anyway... *stretches and yawns* the arch nemesis of the DEBS team is Lucy Diamond (Jordana Brewster). She is apparently the most badass diamond theif in the world. Erm, sure... this "beautiful" young woman managed
to create quite a name for herself in her 20-something years of total life span. Anyway, after an altercation and pursuit, one of the DEBs, Amy, meets Lucy Diamond face to face. Apparently this is
something nobody walks away alive from and Amy manages to get away in one piece. Did I mention how she did this? Because Lucy Diamond wants to FUCK Amy. Did I mention the DEBs tracked Lucy Diamond down
by staking her out on a BLIND DATE with another woman (a Russian assassin, who drinks vodka and has the most ridiculous accent ever *rolls eyes*)? Did I mention they staked out her date by hanging from
the roof INSIDE the restaurant the date was happening at? Did I mention what they were hanging on were large swing seats and that the French Gook was subtley smoking on a cigarette as they HUNG ABOVE the
suspect they are staking out!? Did I mention that Amy's ex-boyfriend slides in and out of the scene on his own hanging rope device to discuss why she dumped him!? DID I FUCKING MENTION THIS FUCKING GOD
AWFUL FILM MAKES MY BRAIN WANT TO MELT!? WASN'T THE GOOK WORRIED THAT HER SMOKE ASH WOULD FALL DOWN ONTO THE TABLE THE SUSPECT WAS SITTING AT!? Weren't they worried they would be SPOTTED hanging from
swing seats from the ceiling of the fucking restaurant!? It's more amazing that they're shocked when their stake out is busted by Lucy Diamond when one of their bracelet's falls into her soup!! WTF!? YOU
MORONS!! WHAT KIND OF HIGHLY TRAINED BIMBOS ARE YOU!? The only one with any sense of brains, restraint or real gusto is the token black chick DEB, Max, because she's sassy and BLACK.
Anyway, yeah, Lucy Diamond is an infamous, murdering, diamond thief, lesbian who desperately seeks a female partner. She has now chosen Amy and wont take no for an answer. At this point you may want to start nodding off as you realise rushed character development is coming your way. You may even curse the heavens as you realise you were tricked into thinking this film may be a sassy girl power style action film but it's simply a teeny bopper, no talent hack-fest that explores lesbian relationships as much as looking at a pack of Skittles is tasting them.
The rest of the film consist entirely of Lucy Diamond trying to score Amy. They do eventually form a short lived relationship but it all falls apart because they're both women and a relationship comprised of only women equals a relationship with almost no rational thought. Plus, the whole relationship was being hidden by Amy. Obviously because the organisation she works for sees Lucy as their most wanted
arch nemesis!
After Amy ends the relationship and after Lucy's many failed attempts at reconiliation, Lucy grows angry. She is out for blood and actually wishes to take her frustrations out by using her large weapon
of mass destruction type canon on AUSTRALIA! She's going to wipe Australia off the map because her booty call wants nothing to do with her. Luckily her assistant, Scud (Jimmi Simpson), calms her down and talks her
out of doing this. PHEW! Actually, Scud saves the day in many ways, as were it not for his role in this film, we'd have absolutely nothing to enjoy whatsoever. I'm not even a fan of the actor. He irritated
the fuck out of me in Loser and he's not even great in this. It's simply that everything around him sucks so much ass that I had no choice but to enjoy his on-screen presence.
Anyway, guess what guys!? The core of the Earth is filled with Frozen Coke and candy! YAY! Because all it takes for Lucy Diamond to score Amy is for her to turn good and start doing good deeds! YAY FOR LUCY DIAMOND AND
AMY! They run away together to live forever, scissoring each other and doing all sorts of lesbian type stuff in happiness! But before Amy leaves, we're treated to some fine dialogue where one of her fellow
DEB-mates, Janet, turns to her and says "I never really liked you, but I'm sad to see you go!" So... you don't like her... yet her absence makes you... sad? Wah? HUH!? GUUUUH!? Oh, look! Soft music and other
emotional hypnotism! I don't care about logic anymore. All I know is this scene makes me as happy and excited as a shrilling teeny bopper at a Supre sale! WEEEEEEEEEEEE!
At this point the movie ends and we can all continue on with our lives knowing that the last hour and a bit could've been spent doing much more useful, productive things. Lucky I caught this on TV which is the ONLY reason I'm reviewing it. I would not pay money for this at any point and I strongly advise that all of you follow me on that.
I may be speaking a bit harsh of what is a relatively harmless film but it fucks me off that films like this are out there, ACTUALLY EXISTING. Especially when movies like Masters of the Universe 2 and Total Recall 2 never see the light of day! It annoys me that for all the independent filmmakers out there right now with brilliant ideas for a film and only needing a small amount of money to make it with there are one of these movies. A pointless, stupid, waste of time.
^^ AMY: So where DO you keep all those diamonds?
LUCY: One more drink & you're gonna find out, bebe.
I guess I just don't understand what the movie is trying to say. I don't understand who would really want to watch it. I don't understand what audience it's fully intended for. It's easy to say it's targeted at lesbians and little girls but there are other elements that wouldn't suit this audience at all. In the end it polishes up as a messy, pointless, slop of a film. It hosts a small number of good actors, a large number of attractive actors, two dimensional directing and one hell of a weak plot.
Click HERE for a look at the cover of the original short film version of DEBS to see it's much skankier stars. hehe.
As you can see from the above video, you should avoid D.E.B.S - at all costs... unless you're a lesbian, a little girl or a weirdo wearing vienna sausages for earrings.
BLERCH! I refuse to discuss this anymore.
Counting the amount of times the word lesbian is said in this review, I give this movie:
