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LOST BOYS - THE TRIBE
(LOST BOYS 2)
(2008)
DIRECTOR:
P.J. Pesce
STARRING:
Tad Hilgenbrink, Autumn Reeser, Angus Sutherland, Corey Feldman & Corey Haim (for about 10 seconds).
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Oh man, Lost Boys 2 - what can I say. One of the biggest disappointments I'v ever waited years to see. Don't get me
wrong, I DID wait years for this. I'm a huge Lost Boys fan and I'm a huge supporter of a Corey comeback. I eagerly
watch snippets of The Two Coreys (as Australia doesn't get it on television). I have a large section of their old films. Even
some of the bad ones.
Here are the movies I have with Coreys in them:
Lucas,
Friday the 13th IV,
Friday the 13th V,
Gremlins,
Goonies,
Stand By Me,
The Lost Boys,
License to Drive,
Dream a Little Dream,
The Burbs,
------- the gold ends here.
South Beach Academy,
Dream a Little Dream 2,
National Lampoons Last Resort,
Demolition University.
As you can see I'll sit through any shit to see the Coreys! I so badly wanted this to work. Despite hearing in advance
about Corey Haim's on-set break down and the rift it created in the renewed friendship between the Coreys, I thought
this would be their success. I thought finally, they're going to start kicking balls again. How wrong I was!
Lost Boys The Tribe (Lost Boys 2) is directed by P.J. Pesce who has a varying background in directing, producing, writing
, editing, SOUNDTRACK work (?) AND acting. As a matter of fact he acts in THIS movie, it's a tiny part unworthy of further
mention. He has such classic films under his directing belt as From Dusk Til Dawn 3, Sniper 3 and Tremors. I hear you say
"Awesome! I loved that QUALITY film, Tremors!". Well, it's unfortunately the TV show I've never heard a fucking thing about.
Have you? I am guessing no. So there we have it. A director who's directing credits consist of bad straight to video sequels
to films that were good. It's nice to see he is at least consist with this movie and his current project, the Smokin' Aces
prequel.
The first thing to take note of on the Lost Boys 2 DVD is the completely shite menu. Oh, a reminder that I'm reviewing the
UNCUT (like that means anything anymore) R1 (USA) version of the DVD, so if there's disparities between the version you've
seen and my version - I don't want to know about them. Just keep those insignificant thoughts locked up in your head
where they belong. Oh and if you DO have the R4 Australian version, sucks to be you with that huge ugly rating on the front.
Anyways, the DVD menu is cheap and offers nothing of value to those who appreciate things that are "outside of the box". This
is also a pattern you may well notice about the whole Lost Boys 2 "vibe", nothing surprising or special, besides the moving
artwork on the R1 cardboard sleeve. Shit, incredible, just like a cheap "insert child's favourite cartoon brand here" merchandise
ruler!
We start the film with one of the movie's only pleasing moments. Tom Savini confronting the new pack of "lost boys" who have
just had a surf and are now drying off on his beach/backyard. After the lost boys call each other bitch 20 times (19 times too many) within
the first four minutes of film (it will be said many more times later) Savini pulls them up for being on his land. Apparently he
owns the whole beach and the ocean, rich man. It turns he is in fact a vampire so the lost boys and Savini duke it out vampire
styles until Savini ends up ALSO being called a bitch and having his head removed! I like that Savini is in this movie here and he puts
in his all as he always does, but it kind of seems a bit like "we better throw in an awesome cameo so this movie doesn't entirely
stinks of pre-pubescent balls". The immediate gore did leave a good impression and it continues to as the movie isn't shy about
blood but the rest goes a wee bit down hill from there.
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Next we are introduced to the "goodies" of the film, Chris & Nicole, who are brother and sister. They are complete production
line boy/girl type protagonists that you would see in any film, eg. Jeepers Creepers, The hitcher (the remake - not the excellent Rutger
Hauer original). Their parents are dead and now they're moving out to *blah* to find a new beginning, living with their Aunty
(who makes them PAY RENT - bitch). The viewer immediately knows the intelligence level of the characters and what they're in for
during this whole movie when Chris and Nicole find a pair of wall mountable antlers hilarious. Chris holds them up to his head and
makes a noise (supposedly pretending to be a deer) and they both burst out into laughter. Very clever, Chris... very clever.
By this point we already realise Chris is the cardboard cutout older protective brother. While the 25 year old looking, 17 year old
sister, Nicole, has already assumed the role of the typical pissy whiney brat horror chick. |
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^^ I told ya. Pouty, boring, pathetic *yawn*. |
Anyway, Chris and Nicole head to town as Chris needs work so he can pay his non-mourning-over-the-death-of-her-siblings Aunty rent.
He was once a great surfer and now simply needs work in shaping surfboards. Once in town Chris enquires at the surfboard shop. An
excellent (sarcasm) part in this scene is where a throw away emo type character approaches Nicole, asking her out. They clearly
share no similarities or physical attractions as Nicole is a prissy "pretty" bitch and he's a beaten down nerdy emo. Anyway, she
DOES give him her number, huzzah well done! Moving back to Chris's work, apparently the ONLY surfboard shaper in town is the
legendary Edgar Frog. The Frog brothers are nomore (more on this later) with only Edgar left. It's odd that Edgar is the only surf-
board shaper in town as his caravan is situated in the middle of nowhere surrounded by keep out and trespassing signs. I guess he
doesn't need the money or something, hmmm.
I have to take some extra time to express my disappointment in Edgar not running the
comic book store anymore. There's so much emphasis on being trendy in this fucking movie. I guess comics aren't cool anymore so
Ed had to be a surfboard shaper instead. Gay. Why the fuck would he take up surfboard shaping? It's never explained and apparently,
by the movies standards (which are low), it doesn't need to be! Don't change his career to make him cooler, he doesn't need to be
cooler - he hunts fucking vampires! With the sign of no life at Edgar HQ Chris and Nicole go on their way.
Chris meets the leader of the lost boys, Shane (Angust Sutherland - yes there's a relation *groan*) out on a dock, while he's
watching the ocean. They both recognise each other as once legendary surfers. With this, Shane invites Chris to his "surf party"
he's having tonight. It's NOT JUST a party, it's a SURF party, because NOW everything is about surfing!
Chris and Nicole are both keen for some fun and are set to head out when their Aunty stops them and suggests they all stay in for
the night, eat some junk food and watch "The Goonies". They both stare at her with a lame expression on their face and imply they
have no fucking idea what "The Goonies" is, caring more about the party they're about to hit. It's ironic how Chris & Nicole are
portrayed with their youthful ignorance to cinema of the past by having them not recognise "The Goonies" (I would like to add in
that "The Goonies" IMO is a film that reserves the right to be re-released every 10 years for each generation to view and to not
turn into the fuckheads they are today). Even though the target audience for Lost Boys 2 is that same youthful ignorant audience,
except for the old-schoolers who were tricked into thinking this would be in some way reminscent of Lost Boys.
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Chris and Nicole nervously but excitedly arrive at Shane's party where Chris immediately gets into a verbal altercation with one
of the lost boys. Oh by the way - these lost boys are like popular - REALLY popular. They're not outsiders at all. They're quite
egotistical really. Girls love them and guys want to be them. The emo boy is there too and he walks over to approach Nicole who
is standing alone, but unfortunately Shane steps in and his lost boy goons tell emo boy to fuck off. Funnily enough, both Chris
and the emo boy are the only two YOUNG people who have had altercations with the lost boys thus far. Funnily enough, they're also
both the only two bearably decent people in the whole movie. It's almost like a reflection of real life isn't it. Plastic, fake
cunts stick together (shit sticks to shit) and real, wholesome people get pushed aside.
Shane takes Nicole into his private area where we see a watered down initiation or blood drinking scene. It's really pulled off
as a bit of nothing and then they get all romantic with each other. Luckily this is followed by a pretty sweet sex scene between
Chris and one of the lost boys... who is... a girl, ahem. He bangs her in
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Don't EVER say Meatballs IV is a bad movie EVER again! ^^
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the shower and she starts getting close to "vampirey"
but Chris has second thoughts and needs to find his sister so they can leave. Chris is none too happy when he finds out his sister
has been galivanting around with Shane on his motorbike, so he does what any other hot blooded (geddit?) American does, he punches
him in the face. This creates tension between Chris and the boys, thus providing us with more storyline.
I found myself feeling conflicted over a scene where one of the lost boys stabs another lost boy at the "surf party" as a party
trick or prank. A party full of witnesses see the stabee complaining about his new shirt being ruined while his guts hang out. I
liked the display of irresponsible youth with powers of immortality but ultimately the scene ehanced not only how egotistical
and stupid the lost boys are but how stupid the humans are to see this happen, scream and then think nothing more of it and go back
to partying, when clearly his guts lay on the floor and he's still fine! Why would they do this in front of so many witnesses? Why!?
Because their characters are nothing more than uninteresting, stupid, shallow meatheads with no class. Nicole starts "changing" literally on the way home from the party. Weakness, profuse vomiting, bitchy attitude... nah that's just
her. Chris passes it off as she's drunk, until she lifts him off the ground by his neck, her pupils turn black and she tells him in
a deep demonic voice, "I'm not drunk". I told you she was a bitch. After this she gets weak and he puts her to bed. Before Chris can
say what the fuck, that little minx he was half way through scoring with in the shower is at his door. She wants round two and he's
up to bat. WOOHOO! Chris is wary at first because his sister is all messed up in bed and it's an open plan living area but as
soon as the lost girl shows him her boobies he doesn't care anymore. He wants pussy and they start fucking on the kitchen table! Yeah,
dont worry dude - that's only your FUCKING SISTER WHO IS SICK ON THE BED METRES AWAY FROM YOUR ACT OF INTERCOURSE! Led by a dick, I say.
She turns all vampy on him and he accidentally stakes her on those antlers from before. Oh and apparently now if you stake a vamp
with antlers they turn to stone and explode. But then again Edgar Frog himself always said "they could go any way!".
Edgar Frog tries to intervene at one point with Nicole and tries to stake her where Chris grabs him and throws him out, no way man,
my sister aint no vampire! Despite the time she lifted you off the ground by your throat, spoke in a demonic and had black eyes, WHY
would you THINK she's possessed or a vampire!?
The emo boy pops around to visit one night where Nicole tries to fuck his brains out, right before drinking his blood. Fortunately,
Chris comes home in time to throw the emo out of the house. The emo walks off only to be captured by some of the lost boys, well done.
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After all this crazy business and the problem with his sister, Chris decides to look up Edgar Frog's help again. They have some
vampire killing to do and Edgar's the only man in that business.
While Eddie and Chris are spending all that time together Nicole manages to escape from the house and by escape I mean walk right
out the front door as nobody thought it would be a good idea to restrain her. She makes her way to the lost boys's place where the
they're all hanging out doing stupid immature things. Quite funny to hear Shane talk vampirism up by saying something along the lines
of "feeding off the life force of another being - the power you feel is like nothing else". Well I imagine it WOULD be pretty good
if you didn't spend all day playing fucking Xbox, having parties and surfing - which pretty much any other living being could do.
Did these fucks fly once in this movie? Oh wells - I guess the movie is right and I'm not - sorry for questioning your "vampireness" movie. |
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^^ Looks like a little boy playing Cowboys and Indians to me. |
Shane and Nicole start to have a nice old fuck because that's what female and male vampires do (refer to animated sex education movie
"Vere Do I Come Vrom!?" bah-doom-tss!). The only problem with this sex scene is we NEVER see Nicole's boobs and we see TOO MUCH of
Shane's stupid tattoos (and going by how stupid Angus Sutherland seems - they're probably his real tattoos). Something I did like
about this sex scene was the accompanying Cry Little Sister music which has been redone (of course - it had to be right?) and has
actually come out sounding quite decent. Nice - giving me some of that LB 1 feeling.
Chris goes to get Nicole back from the Lost Boys and finds Nicole looking quite comfortable and accepting of her "vampireness". She
starts helping Shane talk Chris into becoming their next recruit. They go out with Chris and harrass the local police department
(see - isn't that what teenagers do? They're fucking vampires for fucks sake!) and a scene full of many "extreme sports" styles stunts
ensues. We have people skitching on skateboards to the back of motorbikes, dudes doing crazy swinging on rope skateboard moves, slow
motion motorbike jumps and then close up scenes of all them going "fuck yeah!" as if it's a huge rush. Still I ask you, wouldn't
just being able to literally fly be MORE of a rush!? I don't get it.
Oh amongst all this stupidity Chris drinks from the "blood bottle" and is now one of the lads.
They suddenly meet up with some girls on the beach and have a camp fire piss up. Naturally, all the kissing and the flirting with
the women is all just about preparing them to be feasted upon. When the dining happens, Chris wont partake as he's a skinny bitch
and wont just balls up and do what he needs to do. This lands him in big trouble with the lost boys AND Shane.
What ensues is a lackluster ending that doesn't hold a thing up to the original. Corey Feldman shines at some points in the "final
battle" scene, but really the whole thing falls short and never reaches a tense climax point. I wont give away what happens (like
it's not half fucking predictable) because - that's just not fair is it. But I will say you'll all be glad to know that the emo boy
asks Nicole out on a date as they drop her and Chris off from their horrifying, traumatising, blood-soaked (but still so boring?)
adventure. She says YES! Emo boy cheers, Edgar Frog looks athim with a "you little rascal" type smile and everyone lives happily ever
after! Oh one other thing, I have no fucking clue what is behind this Aunty character, I think she was simply set up to be some type
of mixed replacement for both the Dianne Weiss and grandpa characters from the first one. The nagging worrying mother role and then
the quirky idiot who crackes a joke at the VERY END of the movie. Weird, messy, stupid.
Beyond all the acid I spat at this film throughout that review still you ask further - what went wrong? Well, essentially we
have the same movie, with different character's experiencing the same thing that Michael and Sam went through in the original
one. But it comes across as more of a tele-movie than a great piece of film. So really all we have to offer here is a
straight to DVD horror film with weaker performances, less intimidating and memorable villians and one main returning character.
That pretty much sums up a watered down remake to me. But I hear you say "Well Raimi remade Evil Dead with a sequel, so what's
your problem cunt?". Well first I'll ask you to watch your language and secondly I'll retort with "yes, Raimi did. Raimi
also directed the original and managed to capture the fear of the first and integrated elements of comedy, fresh material
& further enhance the film's affect on the viewer." There is simply no comparison.
Furthermore Lost Boys 2 is far too much of a horror film than the adventure/black comedy with horror elements which I always
found the first one to be. Hell, it was the 80s, who knows what fucking genre it was! It didn't matter because anything goes!
*hehe* But this movie is just travelling down one path, the one Lost Boys set for it and it never ever tries to veer off, only
when it careens down the mountain of movie dilution. It should've ridden the coat tails of the 80s and let itself be daggy.
That's what we want! We want the topless sax player, we want the hawaiian shirts, we want some fucking SHOULDER DANCING!
The characters are all wrong too. The two lead brother and sister characters are water thin and seem to have no real spirit.
They're both just pissy whiney idiots. They're typical this day and age teenagers. There's attitude, but it's all poutey lip
attitude. There's no sense of rebellion that the first film brought to us. There's no sense of fun between the youths either.
It's just too polished and stylish. Like every body has this plastic shield up in front of them incase they let their brows
drop and become relaxed and ENJOY THEMSELVES!
I thought the lead vampire, Shane (Angus Sutherland), was one of the MOST boring villians to ever grace the screen. Some sort of Jim
Morrison type figure who is easily not as interesting or as scary as Jim Morrison! Then I realised I was wrong. The problem is
Angus Sutherland is one of the MOST boring PEOPLE to ever grace the planet! His character seems kind of bored, or stoned, or just
sleepy the whole time. I thought maybe the nocturnal lifestyle is not for him and he's struggling to operate without healthy doses of
vitamin B. Nevertheless, he's shit - really, really shit. After seeing an interview with him I realised it's just Sutherland, he's
dosile and boring and his character probably could've been pulled off by someone with talent. But, dammit, Angus Sutherland is relation
to Keifer Sutherland and that's probably the only reason he got the part. I hope so - if I see him in another movie I'm joing the Taliban
so I can strike out at the Hollywood oppressors! *does crazy middle eastern tongue war cry thing*.
The whole gang of vampires in this film lack the boganism that gave the original gang
that "lost" or abandoned look. These guys look pretty socially acceptable to be honest and despite being vampires they never
seem to come across as outsiders at all. These cunts aren't lost. They're just egotistical pricks who suck blood (and dick), I
look more like a fucking vampire than they do! I probably shouldn't start discussing the surfing aspect of it, as it's been
touched on by so many reviews before, but I have to, because it annoys me. Okay, vampires + holy water = death. Bless the
fucking ocean - they wipe out - dead. Fuck who came up with them surfing. They could have hang-glided for fucks sake, at least
that's an association with bats! Shit, after I join the Taliban and kill the Hollywood producer infedals I'm going to become
a writer because I'm obviously better at it! hehe.
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I hate the fact that these guys are capable of scoring chicks. Sure Keifer has Jamie Gertz until Michael Banged her, but that
was it. The other guys were just hard asses who liked to look like a hair metal band who had fallen onto some rocks! hehe But
these guys have the cool clothes and the cool haircuts and the girls like them. That's shit man, that's REALLY shit.
Okay, time to approach the Felddog. Man, I don't wanna hurt this guy. I'm a big fan, I truly am. But fuck me it's for the good
of man kind.
Feldman's acting in this movie is terrible. Maybe it's just that he is simply now too old or the Edgar Frog character
wasn't as great as I originally thought he was but nevertheless I wasn't digging the Frog man in this one. You know when a child
pisses his pants and you're kinda like "aww the poor little bastard. He doesn't know any better, he's clueless." But
then you see a grown man piss his pants and it's like "you make me sick you disgusting cunt. You should be ashamed of
yourself." That's what it's like watching Feldman speak and act out a character in the same way that he did when he was
in his early teens. Why has he not tried to naturalise the voice the younger version of this character was clearly putting on to
sound more intense and adult because he took himself so seriously? Instead he has literally kept the exact same voice and uses
some of the exact same lines. Are you telling me in the years of hunting vampires and losing his brother and his extraordinary
tale that he hasn't found a few new lines to throw out there?
Sometimes his voice was so overdone with the depth and raspiness he
was nearly doing a Christian Bale as Batman in The Dark Knight. It's just sad because it could've been better. Just to take a
little bit of the depth and the rasp out of his voice to make it sound like he grew into it. Is this proving that Feldman isn't
a good actor? Probably. Did that really NEED proving? Probably NOT. |
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^^ Top: The REAL Lost Boys. Hard, homeless, bogan cunts.
Bottom: The LEADER of the new Lost Boys. A fucking fairy.
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Unfortunately, Haim didn't get in early on this project and missed his chance for a meatier appearance as Sam. They did re-shoot
some scenes and added him in that way. Unfortunately in part 2, they only used one scene which they play at the end though the credits.
Pointless? Almost! Excellent scene though? Fuck yes! Pretty sad that the highlight of Lost Boys 2, for me, was in the credits and
it went for maybe 20 seconds. Basically Edgar Frog is waiting for Sam in a dark place as Sam has requested him to. Edgar knows Sam
is in the darkness and calls out. You hear Sam's voice talking to him and then out of the darkness Sam appears and he's a vampire!
They charge up to each other with climaxing music and it cuts to black and back to the credits! Awesome part of the movie and to be
honest it's the only thing that's going to make me come back for the third Lost Boys. Fuck Freddy vs. Jason, fuck Alien vs. Predator!
I wanna see Corey vs. Corey! Gold! hehe It's funny that after all the huff & puff about Corey breaking down on set and supposedly
doing some drugs in his trailer that his 20 second scene is the only part of the film I carelessly enjoyed. I didn't want a Lost
Boys sequel to watch a bunch of fuckwit teenagers, I wanted to see my favourites! I should mention the deleted scenes that show two
different takes of Sam letting Edgar Frog know that his brother, Alan, is back in town and is now a big bad ass vampire. It's sad to
see Corey Haim so coked out of his skull that he's struggling with a few of his words with a slight slur and he kind of looks generally
off balance & disshelved. Like he just got out of a rehab shower or something hehe. Obviously the reasons the scenes weren't used.
Still looking forward to Alan Frog being in Lost Boys 3 as a crazy vampire. Lost Boys 3 will hopefully take everything Lost Boys 2 did
wrong and rectify it and provide is with a great sequel - it's not an impossible notion!
An extremely sad part of the DVD extras which could've been fantastic is seeing an adlibbing Corey Feldman do a run down of all his
weapons and tactics for killing vampires. He is clearly adlibbing as he constantly stumbles on what to say about each weapon and quite
obviously has no fucking idea what he's talking about. At one point he is explaining the stake which is in the shape of a cross. He says it's
particularly handy (after much stumbled thought) because his hand wont slip on the stake thanks to the arm of the cross. Whereas a real
vampire hunter (like Edgar Frog - the guy he was supposed to be playing) or any other fucking moron who has seen a vampire film would know
it's most probably shaped like a cross so you can subdue the vampire with the crucifix immediately before staking the cunt. *pah-tooie!*
Yeah Feldman, that's right - I spat on you. Your first big movie role in how long and you can't even use your fucking brain to adlib one
small five minute special feature? *pulls back red band on Feldman's head and releases - SMACK!*
For me, what truly sums up what went wrong with this movie. It's this day and age we're in. I'm such an old fogie
always complaining about modern times. But it's true! I went to the video store a while back asking "is Lost Boys 2 in yet?".
I told you I was keen for it. Anyways, they look at me puzzled, then proceed to ask "WHAT'S THE LOST BOYS?". *jaws drop to the
ground* "What's the Lost Boys?", are you fucking kidding me you penis eater! You work at a video store and you don't know what
The fucking Lost Boys is! I COULD KILL YOU, but I wont :) People are too ignorant now. We're all morons! We have no idea what
class is. This movie has been pulled off with the subtlety and class of a Mandril ape's big red inflamed anus. Because the
people who made it probably SAID they loved the original and maybe they do, but they were too busy appealing to the shallow
empty headed fucking teenagers of 2008 to remember to fill the movie with substance, class, fun and story! You know, everything
the first one had!
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With the subtlety and class of a Mandril ape's big red inflamed anus I give this movie: |
2 OUT OF 5 JAGER-BABIES. |
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