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MOVIE REVIEW:
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
(1987)
DIRECTOR:
Gary Doddard.
STARRING:
Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, Courtney Cox and Meg Foster.
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**PLEASE NOTE: Before I begin this review - have it known this
fucking moving picture is so visually awesome (without pesky CGI assistance) that I have included an abnormal ABUNDANCE of images AND a video grab! *smacks jaw* Now, on with the review-
"IIIIII HAAAAAAVE THE POOOOOOWEEEERRRRRRRR...!"
... is usually something I'm yelling THESE DAYS at the point of ejaculation during my bi-hourly masturbation session. But in my pre-adolescent youth these words
meant it was time for He-Man to kick some fucking ass with the assistance of his awesome transformed battle cat. Although back then I would've been thinking more like *in little voice* "Yay! He-Man
is going to hurt the baddies!"
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was THE SHIT in terms of 80s cartoons. Yeah, MASK was good. Captain Planet had sexual tension, mullets AND evil characters
but it was all fair flossy and about saving the earth (which I cared not for as a child, believing everything is endless and all) and let's face it... Transformers had a short run in terms of quality
storylines! That's right cunt - I said it! Whereas He-Man & TMOTU (no that's not some foreign way of pronouncing tomato, if I have to explain that abbreviation you seriously need a long session of electro-shock, might reduce the levels of drool perhaps?) had fucking evil women sorcerers. Buxom women were in it who actually DID BATTLE (SEE!? Even representing woman's liberation in the EIGHTIES of all eras!?)! It had an evil ruler who was a hoody wearing, steroid abusing, buff as all fuck skeleton! Its main star was a bleach blonde haired nancy boy who could bend a steel bar between his toes and ONLY ate his meat off a SPIT! So he could TEAR at it with his fucking teeth. Visually (prior to his battle transformation) he was the stereotype of your modern gay man (except for the Rocky Horror haircut) yet everything else about him was Joe fucking America. That is if Joe America owned a huge fucking wild cat that, when the time arose, transformed into an even fucking bigger cat... WITH BATTLE ARMOUR! I know if you have never heard of He-Man right now and you're reading this (Hi, alien, from light years away) your jaw is on the ground and you're thinking "MY CHILDHOOD... GONE... MISSPENT! I MUST OBTAIN THIS CARTOON THAT HAS EVERYTHING!" If this is what you're thinking, you're dead
right.
He-Man & TMOTU was the god of cartoons before those awesomely mutated turtles with a gift for excellence in martial arts came along. If you didn't like He-Man
as a boy you were either gay or dead and if you were gay you should have been at least watching to perv on Skeletor and He-Man's pecs!
A great day shone on the horizon. Word had it a He-Man & TMOTU movie was on it's way out to a cinema near US! I didn't care for who was in it, I didn't care
about what they officially called it (MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE), I only cared that it was LIVE FUCKING ACTION! I went to the cinema with my mate (who I'm pretty sure I hate now) and his mother. Man, the
fucking movie was bigger than Jesus ("Yeah, whoever the fuck that is!", says Bludge Jr.) and it's needless to say my smile could not be wiped off my face. THE MAGICAL MOVIE MEN PULLED OFF MY
FAVOURITE CARTOON WHILE PULLING ME OFF IN THE PROCCESS! It was a success and this is because it was a kids movie, aimed at kids, only for kids and to be honest, if you don't like or know about MOTU (the
abbreviation we'll go with from now due to the film's title), then get the fuck out of the cinema!
That was a long time ago... 23 years in fact. Oh god... AM I THAT OLD!? I'VE BEEN ROTTING FOR NEARLY 29 YEEEEARS!? AAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! *runs off & jumps through a
glass window* Alot has changed in the past two decades, not just technology but the way kids perceive, react and take to things. Do I believe this kids movie would hold up to an audience of modern
children? No, I do not. Is this a bad thing? Absolutely fucking not. Kids of today are spoilt little cunts wallowing in their abundance of technology. They no longer desire using their imagination.
They now rely on the "art" of CGI to show them EVERYTHING! Saying that kids of today would not enjoy MOTU only pushes it further up the ladder of nostalgic film respect! Let's do this shit
because MOTU is not an easy one to find anymore (well it wasn't when I had to hunt it down from the USA to get a good DVD copy) and I want the public to know that if you feel like going on a trip down
80s-fun-town lane... then this is your fucking ticket.
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He-Man (Dolph Lundgren - completely hating how much fun he is having
instead of having to be a cardboard cutout) and his cronies live in a "land" called Eternia. It's a dark time for Eternia
as an evil mother fucker called Skeletor (Frank Langella - as cool as always) has just won a war over the land and it's worshipped leader, the good sorceress (Christina Pickles) of
Castle Grayskull. With the help of a "cosmic key", Skeletor has finally won this war and holds the sorceress captive in her own castle, sucking the life out of her over time as he waits for the
alignment of Eternia's moon. With this occurence, the cosmic key and the Sorceress's life force combined he will attain great power, as in, a greater power than being a walking, talking, hood wearing,
staff weilding, army leading fucking SKELETON! Skeletor believes in excess and having all these abilities and power under his belt is simply not enough. He wants the alignment of the moon to turn him into
a superior being of god like power!
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^^ Castle Grayskull, a symbol of peace and hope for Eternia... wtf?? |
Unfortunately, Skeletor did NOT count on He-Man and his posse trying to save the day. Skeletor is as sloppy as Hitler, in that he was so excited about taking over he forgot that of
course there
will be some goody two shoes people out there willing to stop him. Actually, Skeletor is SLOPPIER than Hitler because at least Hitler was only attempting this for the first time.
Whereas Skeletor has
his schemes constantly thwarted by He-Man. You would think he would eventually just think, "Fuck this! I'm going to take up full time work as a scare prop in an amusement park
ghost train ride!"
Fortunately, Skeletor was raised by his parents alot better than that and he doesn't give up on anything that easy, so now we have a great story for a MOTU movie.
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^^ I can see up your nose, Skeletor... it's... most embarrassing... |
From L-R: Gary, Roger, Jan, Bill, Frank, John, Angela...^^
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He-Man and his crew, consisting of an old battle-worn warrior who shares the same name as that of my future first son, Man-at-Arms (Jon Cypher), M-a-A's daughter, Teela (Chelsea Field)
and Gwildor (Billy Barty), a weird little creature who invented the cosmic key and still has a prototype in his possession, head to Castle Grayskull to save the day. They confront Skeletor, his own evil
sorceress, Evil Lyn (Meg Foster) and his army at the castle, but things don't go as planned and all hell breaks loose. Here we are treated to some awesome fucking action scenes with He-Man kicking army
ass with his gigantic sword. Not only does he hack alot of foot soldiers up (with the foot soldiers looking disappointingly like black Storm Troopers - BUDGETARY LIMITS - dammit!) with his swords, but he
also deflects lasers with it. LASERS! Awesome! They are overwhelmed by the sheer numbers in Skeletor's army though. So with some quick thinking they use their cosmic key and transport to a random
dimension/time/planet (it is suggest that Eternia is a planet light years from Earth, although in the original script it is suggested that Eternia IS Earth much further into the future - so I'm not exactly
sure on that detail) which happens to be Earth!
Cut to Earth and all our heroes have landed in scattered locations amongst bushes, near a chicken take away joint. I can assume it's some type of KFC rip off that also serves ribs because they serve chicken & ribs in buckets and have awesome, drinkable gravy. He-Man goes off in search of the key as Teela and M-a-A find Gwildor sneakily feasting on a bucket of chicken. Not before Gwildor drinks a whole tub of gravy down in one
of those light hearted scenes where everyone looks at Gwildor with a cheeky smile and say "Gwiiildddooorrrrr..." and some light twinkling piano keys accompany it. Ho-ho-ho Gwildor! You cheeky
mutant dwarf man! I'm frightened by your appearance but I love your silly antics. After a short feast (shortened feast in that Teela is horrified that this "barbaric world" eats animals) they
set on their way to find the cosmic key (which was lost during inter-galactic transport). |
He-Man showing off his awesome laser deflecting ability ^^
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Julie Winston (Courtney Cox - before she turned into a leathery Arquette TV star) is finishing up on her last day at this chicken take away place. Is there any relevance to some of our heroes winding up at
this place and Julie working there? No, not at all. They don't meet here and I'll assume it's a budget cut that forced them to make the most of a place they had acquired for on-location shooting. Production issues
ran rife with this film but we'll touch on that later. Julie meets up with her boyfriend, Kevin (Robert Duncan McNeill) and while visiting Julie's parents at their GRAVES (yes, they're dead) they happen up the COSMIC KEY! W0o0o!
Kevin is going apeshit over it, believing it be some type of cool synthesiser because Kevin is into music. If you're into music ANY OBJECT you don't understand is an instrument of some sort. I'd hate to
see Kevin's reaction when he happens upon a breast pump lying on the ground in a cemetary - look it's a make-shift European trumpet! BAAAH-BAAAHMMM! Kevin starts pressing buttons all over the key to make
sounds and lights flash. This sends a signal to Skeletor and his cronies back in Eternia (that's a fucking good wireless connection) and they set their co-ordinates TO EARTH!
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^^ KEVIN: Julie... look! Wow! It's an instrument of some type!
JULIE: For god's sake, Kevin...
you though my vibrator was a flute last night! ENOUGH! |
Kevin sets up his equipment in a hall for a live show he is doing but has to pop in at his local music guy, Charlie's (Barry Livingston - fucking ERNIE DOUGLAS from MY THREE SONS!) store, which is always open late at night when nothing else on that street is open (budgetary limits).
He leaves Julie alone to be whiney and self pitying (as she loves to do). But trouble is brewing and Skeletor's gang of bumbling fools have just landed on Earth, at the last place the key was used,
RIGHT WHERE JULIE IS! Skeletor's crew - Blade, Karg, Sauron and Beastman (refer to end of review for pictures of all four, descriptions do no justice) chase Julie down (in what was a frightening scene as
a child) to a junk yard. Right as you think she is done for, wouldn't you know it, He-Man steps in. He says to Julie in Lundgren talk, "It's olrahd... I vont hert yew..." and he kicks ass without even yelling "I HAVE THE POWER!"
All the gang join He-Man and back him up, forcing the bad guys to retreat and all this crazy shit is explained to Julie.
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^^ Check his pulse, Beastman... is he okay?? |
T: Are his nipples hypnotising you too? | M: ...Yes... ^^
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He-Man: "You see Julie... you've accidentally become involved in an inter-galatic war between I and a skeleton man. This is all because you're douchebag boyfriend thinks EVERY OBJECT he doesn't recognise
from any other every day use is a musical instrument and believes he has the right to put his grubby mits all over it."
Julie: "Looks like I picked the WRONG DAY to quit taking amphetamines..."
He-Man: "Yes, surely you did!"
Julie: "Don't call me Shirley."
Anyway, Skeletor's FOUR stooges report back to him. He kills Sauron (I don't know why he chose him, he MIGHT have a thing against reptiles - somebody should remind him he's a fucking skeleton) and sends
Evil Lyn with the boys BACK TO EARTH! HE MUST HAVE THAT KEY! Although... wait... you already HAVE a key? Now you need BOTH keys? Oh... okay. *Jacks off because I'm watching a HE-MAN live-action movie!*
He-Man and crew head to the music store where all hell breaks loose again. Evil Lyn and her goons have caught up with them and He-Man with M-a-A and Teela hold off the foot soldiers. I have to say this is an impressive scene. It's not often you see an army of storm troopers jumping through glass windows and charging through drum kits with lasers firing allover the fucking place in a movie, if at all! Unfortunately while He-Man and his pals fight off the hordes, Evil Lyn manages to fool Julie into giving her the key by pretending to be her dead mum. *rolls eyes* Fuck you, Julie... and your self pity. THEY'RE DEAD!
You shouldn't have neglected their loving affection when they were alive and no fucking cosmic key is going right THAT wrong! Anyway, after our heroes are done beating Julie as punishment for giving Evil Lyn the key...
hehe Nah, they SHOULD'VE done that, but didn't...
Amongst all this madness, a portal is opened up to allow Skeletor to come to Earth too. By the way, all this insanity with war and portals happens on ONE street block at night, with ONE store being open the
whole time. BUDGET CUTS! AIIIEEEEE!! Skeletor fatally wounds Julie, damages the second key and takes He-Man captive. Now that he's kicked so much ass in evil skeleton fashion he heads back to Eternia on the
spaceship he hovered in on. |
$600 for THAT guitar!? THEY'RE INSANE! CHAAARGE! ^^
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Julie's wound is getting worse and they need to get her to Eternia, not to mention they need to get back to save the day too! Doing a poxy mock up with ACTUAL synthesisers and the key combined, our gang stuck on
Earth manage to sort out a way to get back to Eternia, free He-man who has just suffered a vicious bout of whippings and start
fighting again! Where does THIS happen? Why - in the confines of CASTLE GRAYSKULL... again! BUDGET CUTS! W00o0o0o0o0o0o0o!
Skeletor's plan succeeds and he transforms to a god like being. By saying god like I mean he is skeletor, but in a golden robe and wearing a giant golden head piece. When I mean giant I mean spray a large Buddha
statue gold and put it on his head and you're NEARLY looking at the size of his head piece. It resembles some kind of indulgent gold tea pot you'd find in Windsor Castle. I urge you to look at the animated picture ;)
He-Man and Skeletor God fight it out. The scene has been done well and to minimal cost. It's all backlit strobes and silhouettes as they duke it out with swords and staffs. Word has it that they stopped filming before
the final battle scene could be shot. The budget was way over and the studio panicked. Some time later the studio brought the director back in, got Frank Langella and Dolph to do their scene and the ending
was all done in ONE DAY! BUDGET CUTS - YEP! :D
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^^ Why - there's nothing suss at all Julie. It's just your mother...
walking down a dark alley wa-... Waaaait! JULIEEEE!
^^ Oh, look! there goes He-Man now! Flying... on a... thing... oh...
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After the elaborate ending the script called for was scrapped, we find He-Man grasping his sword (which was taken from him), yelling "I HAVE THE POWERRRRR!" and defeating Skeletor by throwing him into one of the
pits of Castle Grayskull. Julie and the sorceress is saved, Eternia returned to it's once beautiful state and shit is all good. Oh yeah, Julie and Kevin both wake up as if it was all a dream. Even BETTER - JULIE'S
PARENTS ARE ALIVE! She refuses to let them go on their flight that they die on and she runs out into the street in a moment of pure euphoria. Kevin is out on the street too! They run up to each other, amazed
and look at a little trinket Julie was given by the sorceress. He-Man is inside the trinket and he yells "I HAVE THE POWERRRR!" again. Now they're tripping because it WASN'T a dream. Good thing that too because PEOPLE CAN'T SHARE
DREAMS YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! The End.
Yep - gayish ending I know. But what the fuck guys, it's a kids movie. It's still better than Home Alone!
Although to touch base back in reality. I fear that Julie probably goes back home where her parents
are steamed that she stole their flight information and keys. First they punish her and slowly her parents grow distant to each other, not being able to understand Julie's new rebellious ways.
Her dad finally loses his shit and accidentally hits Julie after she won't give into his demands of telling him where her supply of crack is. Once he hits her, his wife leaves, Julie moves in with Kevin and her
dad becomes a full blown alcoholic. He spends days at a time sitting alone in a dark house, tasting the metal of his gun, wondering what is stopping him from pulling that trigger. Until one day he finds no reason
not to and his suicide becomes a reality as his brains hit the wall. Julie ends up cutting herself all the time and selling her body for sex to deal with the guilt of her father's suicide. She is now a drug dependant whore. Kevin
hooks up with Julie's mother and she travels with his band on the road, being the local groupie for them to pass about.
Shit, all that darkness and turmoil while those clowns in Eternia are kicking up their feet, eating giant royal feasts, sculling wine out of huge goblets and watching beautiful women dance for their
entertainment!? I know who got the bad end of this deal... Gwildor! Because he's STILL an ugly dwarf.
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^^ Errrg! Stop whipping me with your red eletro-whip!
^^ Skeletor in all his huge gold tea pot helmeted godliness!
^^ "I HAVE THE POWERRRR!" - means ass kickin' time!
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Julie: Guess what, Kevin? I'm also PREGNANT! ^^
Kevin: YIKES! Take me back to Eternia! *bah-doom tiss!*
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Moving on from that little detour... If you sit through the entire credits you'll find an extra little scene where Skeletor's head pops up from the bubbling seas of the pits below Grayskull and he proclaims that he will be back! Of course this was a setup
to a sequel, which evidently never happened. Rumour has it Van Damme's first big outing in CYBORG was initially meant to be He-Man the sequel. Some say the script was just never visualised before Cannon went bankrupt. Once
again I'd like to point out an old-school film company having the balls to make silly films like this. Of course, the masses won out and studios who do cookie cutter fairy floss film shit still thrive while
the one time owners of Cannon are probably in some run down LA hotel shooting heroin into their genitals and inbetween their toes as we speak!
The best thing about MOTU is it's ability to be a pig rolling around in kids action film shit. At no point is it ashamed to be silly and as a matter of fact it fucking REVELS in it! This is one of the silliest
movies I've ever seen and that's why I love it. There's not a moment of CGI, there's nothing superficial about it, it's just a good hearted kids action film featuring angry beasts, talking skeletons, dead
parents, gravy drinking and suggestive sexual relationships. Good hearted, clean, wholesome, fun!
But on a more serious note it's not even just the fun of this film that is good. It's the little hints at connections between these fantastical characters. For instance, Evil
Lyn's constant assumption of Skeletor's respect. She literally awaits his compliment when she manages to acheive what noone else has, getting the second key, yet he immediately
asks if He-Man is still alive, to which she replies yes and he cuts her off. No good work, nothing. He is a child constantly starved of attention and "things". You can literally
sense the frustration in her eyes that she feels like snapping at any moment. Much like a marriage she wants her kudos for keeping a stiff upper lip through all his asshole attitude and STILL bringing home the goods. |
Skeletor: "I'LL BE BACK!" ...Only ONE force could stop ^^
Skeletor's evil from returning... DEBT COLLECTORS!
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Another example is noticing Teela's almost bitchy attitude towards Julie when He-Man first introduces them. She even suggests that He-Man and Julie
have been off canoodling in the time that everyone was seperated. At no point is the relationship studied intensely, it doesn't need to be, kids wanna see cool shit. But it's there, it exists and the screenplay is happy to show us that in this very subtle way.
There's even the life long fight between He-Man and Skeletor. Enemies for so long they're practically brothers. There's a bond between them that although they will see each dead some day, they still hold true to each other. He-Man gives himself up to save others, so
Skeletor doesn't kill them. Ya dig? At one point Skeletor questions He-Man, "Tell me about the loneliness of good? Is it equal, to the loneliness of evil?". I find this line to be extremely deep and it's a sense of they share the same struggles their whole lives. I know I'm looking into
far too much, once again, it's a kid movie. But if you do look closer, that kind of important shit is there. I find it very refreshing.
I find it amazing that Frank Langella has just recently caused a whole bunch of Oscar buzz yet he's fucking Skeletor in this. Although to his credit he plays Skeletor with an intense malevolence and a real sense of evil. I'm also amazed that through all of Langella's cinematic acheivements
(I mean... Brainscan... come on? hehe.) he says playing Skeletor was the most fun he's ever had in a movie. Unlike Dolph who says playing He-Man was his career low point. Like it matters what a guy named DOLPH says! Cunt!
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One of my all time favourite aspects of MOTU is the outstanding orchestral score. Rivalling that of the evil Star Wars empire music whenever Skeletor is on scene. Then we have a more upbeat Superman movie type score for heroic moments. Then we finally have a much darker score for the final
battle between Skeletor and He-Man that really needs to be heard.
MOTU is directed by Gary Doddard, who sadly enough has only directed "Hershey's Really Big 3D Show" and "Deepo's Undersea 3D Wondershow" since MOTU, which was his FIRST directing job! It's a right fucking shame to see
all these people who have put their heart and soul into what is a thoroughly amusing film for kids and now, big kids, become total pieces of shit. It shows that taking chances in Hollywood can really fuck
you in the anus. I mean, shit, I would rather have my name attached to a Pee Wee Herman movie than any of those "3D shows". Could you imagine it at the Christmas dinner table at Doddard's place?
DISTANT RELATIVE: So Gary, what current movies are you directing right now?
DODDARD: Oh, I've got some things on my plate...
DISTANT RELATIVE: Like what? Tell me the details?
DODDARD: No, I meant I've literally got some things on my PLATE! There's carrots, some turkey... pass the gravy.
DISTANT RELATIVE: Well... what about your directing? *passes the gravy*
DODDARD: *throwing the gravy jug at the wall and losing his mind* MY DIRECTING CAREER HAS TURNED TO SHIT! OKAY!? I KNOW MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE WAS MEANT TO BE MY BIG BREAK BUT THAT WAS TWO DECADES AGO! I DIRECT SHORT ANIMATED SPECIALS IN THREE-FUCKING-D! ARE YOU HAPPY!?
DISTANT RELATIVE: Oh... well... that's goo... I have to leave now. Please... don't make a scene... Not like last year...
DODDARD: I... I'm sorry... don't leave me... PLEASE!
Poor Gary Doddard.
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^^ Circled is Mattel toys competition winner Richard Szponder.
His prize? 5 seconds of screen time playing a "pigboy" in MOTU!
^^ That's right... no CGI used whatsoever!
^^ Gwiiildooor... ho-ho-ho! Oh and remember kids...
stay in school and SAY NO TO DRUGS!
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So, negative comments? There MUST BE some! Yep. I have three major issues with this film. The first is the obvious lack of funds the movie received. Just refer back to my earlier comments through the review
and you'll know what I'm talking about. The whole reason it was based on Earth was due to budget limitations. That kinda sucks, but they did good with what they had.
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Second issue? Where was He-Man's fucking
battle cat!? Sorely missed. Maybe they had trouble casting it. Oh... no wait... it was probably due to budget cuts. At least they couldn't ruin it by doing the fucking thing in CGI! Third issue? I had to look at Courtney Cox's
stupid freckled face. Hardly major gripes.
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE is an unappreciated classic and for those of you who miss the days of pre-CGI special effects, real stunt men (Dolph did ALL his own stunts) and just general movie FUN, this is a
must. You Aussie movie fans have no excuse either, this is now officially an R4 DVD release! GO OUT and get a copy of Masters of the Universe today. It doesn't star Megan Fox, it doesn't have a pop soundtrack,
there's no sparkling vampires and there's no CGI. There is, however, plenty of faithful He-Man references (for the fans among us), energetic performances, humble FX and a lot of fun.
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As I ride my battle cat and shout "I HAVE THE POWER!", I give this cheesey, timeless movie: |
3.5 OUT OF 5 JAGER-BABIES. |
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