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MOVIE REVIEW:
PROM NIGHT
(2008)
DIRECTOR:
Nelson McCormick.
STARRING:
Brittany Snow, Johnathan Schaech, Scott Porter, Idris Elba.
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I'm going to review Prom Night with the same level of depth, content and enthusiasm as the film itself moves along with-
Movie starts.
Latest pop music plays.
Off screen kills happen.
Latest pop music plays.
Good guy wins.
Latest pop music plays.
Movie ends.
Latest pop music plays.
Fin~
Okay, that simply won't suffice, but to sum it up in all honesty - that would have done it.
Taking it from the top, Prom Night is a remake of the 1980 original of the same name. I have never thought a remake was a good idea, nor have I ever supported it in any way. Many people go, *puts on whiney stupid voice* "But, but, buuuuut... Prom Night... the original... um... wasn't even a good story... uh... so a remake would hardly ruin it..." - yeah, yeah no shit. You're so fucking intelligent I guess I give up. Although, wait, no I was kidding, you're NOT intelligent at all. The fact is the original was the - O-R-I-G-I-N-A-L - meaning it was the first to do it. Right there gives it warrant to NOT NEED a remake and to still say it's better than this remake. I'm not hating a remake for the sake of it being a remake. I'm hating it because I'm pretty sure Prom Night in it's original incarnation covered pretty much any ground a horror film based on a prom night could cover, yeah?
Anyway, this plastic, fabricated, all fucking style and no fucking content remake is a complete waste of time. Not only is it dumb... not only is it created to single handedly monopolise via a teeny bopper target demographic, but it's also lacking in any scares or fright. As a matter of fact, the most frightening thing about Prom Night is just how horrible it is that teenagers have become so fucking predictable and plastic that it's obivious they would flock to this shit.
Yeah, Prom Night is an insanely frightening film. Because it represents the future leaders of our world down to the T... and fuck me, are they a bright lot. Of course that's complete sarcasm. They're pretty much as intelligent as babboons, only prettier, because - "REMEMBER KIDS, LOOKING PRETTY ON THE OUTSIDE IS
ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HAVING A PERSONALITY, A BRAIN OR ANY REAL AMBITIONS FOR THE FUTURE!" *flashes big white toothy smile*
Prom Night is about flat nosed highschool "hotty", Donna Keppel (Brittany Snow - Yep, Britney wasn't a dumb enough name, so they took it a step further! Could
you imagine Brittany's mum? Probably slower than Anna Nicole Smith on a binge day), who suffers a dark past. Well, past, as in a year or so ago one of her
teachers, Richard Fenton (an always lovable Johnathan Schaech), became obsessed with her. It wasn't a huge deal though. He only broke into her home one night
and killed her whole family, then approached her. Well, I assume that IS what happened because this only explained in a flashback/dream sequence. I'm not even
sure if her family was killed because all I saw was both her dad and brother slumped over a couch or bed, eyes closed, with a stain of red on by the opening
of their mouthes. Her dad may have just got some off of his lady and she has red lipstick. He's just resting after some vigorous sex, that's all. The brother?
A jam sandwhich and he's so full he fell asleep! We do actually see the mother get STABBED in this invasion scene, but at no point does it look like a blade
has penetrated her body. It just looks like these red stains on her top were left there. Even then, these are hard to make out. We'll get to the lack of blood
later.
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Anyway, Donna wakes up from this "frightening" dream. She hasn't got time to sit around dreaming of her dark past, she's got a prom to get ready for. After some pep talking about moving on from the past and all that shit, by her Aunty (who she now lives with), Donna is all good for the prom. Her boyfriend, Bobby (Scott Porter), comes to pick her up and we're treated to what is the 3rd moment of originality, out of many to come. Yes, this was also sarcasm, we are treated to yet more cookie cutter bullshit drivel. There she is, Donna, at the top of the stairs, in her beautiful dress. She walks down in slow motion as the whole fucking world stops to watch her, except for whatever pop band is playing their music at the time to accompany her historical descension. Fuck me, are you serious? This scene has even been made fun of now and they're trying to pull it off here with some form of integrity!?
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^^ Oh Donna... you look so... so... much...
like any other dressed up chick going to her prom. |
Anyway, they jump into a yuppie style expensive as all balls limo and there's all of her yuppie upper class spoilt friends, the black couple and the fighting couple. Bobby jumps into the limo too which makes them - the perfect couple. Now that they match "normality" in every way by having three sets of couples and lots of money in a flaunted style, they head off to the Pacific Grand Hotel where the prom is.
Around this time some cops somewhere learn of Richard's escape from prison. How did he escape? Who cares. He just has. SO SHUT UP AND STOP QUESTIONING THINGS OR YOU WON'T FIT IN WITH YOUR FRIENDS!!! This puts the cops on red alert and they too head to the prom. Just to make sure shit is cool.
Around this time we realise Richard has indeed gone to the prom and he does intend on getting his hands on Donna again, because he's insane AND in love. Which really means he is just insane.
CUT TO the prom where Donna and her friends are dancing like Kelly Clarkson from each of their favourite Kelly Clarkson film clips. They've got the hair swish
and the arms held up all down pat. Like, fuck... they are COOL. So cool that I was overwhelmed by their coolness and just sort of felt uncool. I need to immediately go out and buy EVERY SINGLE from this movie, eg. the soundtrack, to be as cool. But I won't, because if I did that I'd probably have to kill myself. Anyway, the gang enjoy their night at the quite posible the most elaborate and expensive prom I've ever laid my eyes on... even in MOVIE LAND!
The police discover a car with a dead body on it, realise Richard is on the scene and the hunt for him begins.
Donna feels as though she is finally ready to move past the trauma of her past, but she doesn't realise that trauma is hunting her down on this most special night of nights. Her friends will be picked off one by one, but will Richard find Donna? What happens if he does? When will this madness end?
I ask all these questions in a completely sarcastic sense, because, come on, we know he's going to catch her and then she's going to get saved. We also know all of this is going to happen in the most predictable fashion, with almost no violence and without any sense of suspension. Because, hey, THAT'S EXACTLY HOW A HORROR FILM SHOULD ROLL OUT.
Why the fuck did they even bother making this stupid piece of shit with no intention of releasing it with any visceral content? Everything is so fucking shiney and polished and stupid. Like Brittany fucking Snow's stupid little tiny fucking tattoo on her wrist. I saw it, cringed and spat bile on the floor near me so I could feel a little dirtier after watching such stupid, clean bullshit. Prom Night is the biggest WASTE OF FUCKING TIME I've ever sat through.
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What kind of a fucking horror movie, knowing full well it's not going for the violence, insists on stripping all suspense from it's story as well? We see the killer's face in the opening scene. THAT - RIGHT THERE - SHOULD REMAIN A MYSTERY!?!? Then of all things... they cast JOHNATHAN FUCKING SCHAECH to play the killer! It only takes a viewing of Near Dark rip off, The Forsaken, to realise Johnathan Schaeche is not all that good at playing bad guys. The guy has one of the most fucking adorable faces I've ever seen. I'd almost consider turning gay, for Johnathan Schaeche! Not to mention, he is more commonly known as Christina Applegate's husband. Not to mention - he's a fucking funny and charming guy. So you're telling me you've cast the funny and charming husband of Kelly from "Married... With Children" as the silent killer... and I'm supposed to be FRIGHTENED!? :O Whoever made this huge casting mistake should be stripped off all decisive rights within film production for eternity.
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Yep... this is SERIOUSLY how "intimidating" the killer is in this film ^^
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I'd also like to make mention of just how many people die, because of Brittany Snow's character. Something like 8 fucking people die, because this guy has a boner for Donna. So of course, when everything is discovered and they realise Donna is in trouble, people brake their fucking backs to make sure she's okay!? Hey, hey wake the fuck up people - Donna looks FINE to me! The following is a list of three reasons Donna is more better off than I am:
1. Donna is going to one of the most expensive proms I've ever seen.
2. Donna has lived under constant privilege in a large, beautiful home.
3. Donna is beautiful and well loved by her peers.
FUCKING GROW A SET, DONNA! You wanna be so beautiful and loved by everyone - deal with the fucking psychos that come with such notoriety! hehe.
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So, fuck you, Donna... Okay? You look fine to me. Maybe if you just gave Richard a second or two all these fucking people wouldn't have died? Nope, Donna doesn't have time for that. She's too busy shopping and being rich. Plus, Donna is more important than everyone else. She's a superficial, white, teenage, moron and is so ignorant of existence other than her own that she willingly soaks up her own level of importance. You say I lack compassion maybe? I say I judge the needy and selfish!
As a director, Nelson McCormick has done alot of work... in TV. He's directed episodes for such shows as NYPD Blue, V.I.P, Alias, House MD, CSI, blah... blah... it's TV! Oh look, he's also recently directed that fantastic Stepfather remake. You know, the one that concentrate on beautiful people, zero violent confrontation and missing the mark the original covered in every way? Why, Nelson, WHY!?
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^^ Oh... how unusual - it's Donna selfishly seeking
attention and comfort again.... |
Prom Night is everything that is wrong with the world today. It's shallow, selfish, lacking in any real content, lacking surprise, commercial, fabricated, boring and is void of personality - this is the breed of human we are creating for a new society. The movie has no originality, no worthy dialogue, no scares, no creativity, no cinematic offering at all. It doesn't even have tits for fuck's sake! But it does have beautiful people wearing designer clothes, brand name everything being used from scene to scene, the latest pop music for us to dance like Kelly Clarkson to, a safe cushioned version of real violence so we don't get upset and some great ideas for your very own prom! *batters eyelids*
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The original Prom Night may be some dispensable throw away 80s slasher, but at least it's intention was to scare and freak out the viewer, it just suffered from a low budget and did the best it could. This remake is financially bloated, throw away peice of shit that even misses the mark and it's only real purpose - to scare.
Not only does it have NO excuse because of it's budget, but it has NO excuse because it was done nearly three decades earlier and it was more effective back then. Maybe if "they" weren't trying so hard to make the remake a fucking advertisement for beauty and proms, we'd have something more worthwhile. Instead all we're left with is something as empty and shallow as the only people who would ever enjoy this fucking plastic-fest.
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^^ Check out this "disturbing" and "bloody" scene...
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PS. The DVD cover was marked as supposedly "UNCUT". The only thing they must've cut out of the film for theatrical release was dialogue so they could concentrate on the advertising because there was nothing "shocking" or what I'd deem necessary to cut in this "UNCUT" version. I'm pretty fucking sick of these studios printing "UNCUT/UNSEEN VERSION" all over the cover just to ship a few more fucking copies. It's always about fucking money! |
This is an advertisement - NOT a movie:
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NO JAGER-BABIES FOR YOU! |
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