It's a huge, Tunguska-event-scale (Look it up, it's the best mu sta-b een-a-ufo conspiracy theory you'll ever read) SHIT-STAIN on the television sets of every "Civilised" techo-savvy nation on earth. A predictable bunch of tit, dick and-ass-flashing attention seeking TWATS hell-bent on getting a few movie-premiere appearances for some shitty Bruckheimer film they can't even grasp the wafer-thin plot of, before they suck some seriously withered corporate COCK for their "OK" or "Hello" magazine exclusive photo shoot "Expose".
The kind of broadcast material that makes you drop to your educated knees and PRAY for a fuckin' nuclear HOLOCAUST.
Whatever happened to mainstream television, man? Why did it get so twisted and immoral? No talent, no thrills, not an ounce of memorable content.
In these dark times, it makes one get all sentimental about movies with real entertainment and action. They had a generous mix of thrills, spills, chills and KILLS... movies like...
THE RUNNING MAN.
Arnie was the golden ticket back then. He'd slaughtered hordes of in-bred swordsmen as Conan the Barbarian, took out a shit-load of LAPD grunts in his most iconic role in a stinking punk leather jacket (Don't even ask what is was, if you have to, you ain't welcome on the BLUDGEONER you ignorant fucker), mauled an entire battalion unit of Mexicano extras in Commando, had gone-one on-one with a hulking octopus-faced 8-ft tall fucker in Predator (After manfully handshaking Apollo Creed in a hilariously homoerotic scene)... The man was INFALLIBLE. A true 80's icon.
^^ Arnie grunts: DA HELL VID YOO!
The Running Man is perhaps the zenith of his 80's domino-effect global domination period - a hilariously over the top parody of gameshow/consumerist culture that is both camper than a tent factory at high summer and bloodier than a human abbatoir if it was manned by Myers, Freddy and Voorhees combined. A real-one off.
A definitive hark back to simpler, more visceral times in action/sci-fi/exploitation cinema, which didn't rely on CGI. Real stunts performed by real men, with the threat of death or injury just a heartbeat away.
So what's it all about? (By the way, forget the original Stephen King/Richard Bacman novel. It's decent, like but the movie more than stands on it's own).
Well, here's the basic deal. It's 2019, right? and the world has been taken over by huge multi-national corporations with a sinister military industrial complex pulling the strings. To keep the pissed-off starving masses in check, TV entertainment has become more and more extreme. So instead of shit like Wheel of Fortune , Jepordy and Celebrity Squares , we get the likes of the following:
Climbing for Dollars . Superior entertainment. I'm sure a z-list celebrity edition would go down a storm, it'd surely smash every
viewing figure in history to see a no-talent dickhead such as NIC CAAAAGE getting his elongated fa ce torn off by a rabid bunch of
gorehounds...
So, anyway despite such televisual delights, the kids are STILL PISSED, MAN. So in order to quell regular food riots, the government
sends in the Black Hawk choppers to "keep the peace".... One of which is piloted by the Austrian Oak, the governator, the T- 800,
the second most famous son of Austria since that madman with the Chaplin 'tache and his serious issues with race and enthicity... ARNULT.
Seems our Arnie - sorry "Ben Richards" (Could they have given him a more mundane action hero name? Pretty cheap that...) Isn't too keen
on gunning down the folks below his gun-ship and disobeys a direct order to ELIMINATE ANYTHING MOVING. "DA HELL VID YOO. I VILL NOT FI-YAH ON HELP-LESS PEE-POL", grunts the big man in response.
I say it's STILL CLASSIER than Big Brother... ^^
So he is wrestled from his seat, dangled precariously out of the side of the chopper, and after a brief struggle, is summarily knocked the FUCK OUT by the rifle-butt another chopper-copper.
Jump forward an undisclosed time period, and Richards (Now sporting a hilariously scruffy beard, just to stress he's been there for AAAAGES) is doing hard-time in a hellish prison that resembles a rusted steel mill.
Silently conspiring with a couple of other inmates, Big Bad Ben starts a fight with Loughlan (Yaphett Kotto, the bad ass black-dude who was in Alien and The ROGER MOORE - greatest living Englishman, y'all - Bond flick Live and Let Die). The fight escalates to include several guards, who are easily overpowered and the cons make a break for freedom. Only problem is, they are all wearing explosive charges on their necks (Clearly ripped off in the insanely violent yet wonderfully dark Japanese epic Battle Royale). One stero-typical Hispanic dumb fucker runs for the exit, unaware that two guards have activated an invisible defense perimeter that send his collar POP.
"CHIICOOO! AMIIGOO!" BLAM!!!! - Shrapnel-shredded-head exits frame left-to-right - HA! Ruthless, but superb stuff all the same.
Anyway, after taking out the guards, Ben and his buddies finally breakout, and head into LA to attempt to escape the country.
Meanwhile in his palatial TV studio Damon Killian, host of the world's most popular TV show "The Running Man", (a wonderfully slimy yet irresistably charismatic Richard Dawson) checks out a CCTV video of the breakout as he selects contestants for the latest prime-time edition. Seems like Ben Richards, now dubbed by the twisted future newscasts as the "Butcher of Bakersfield" is just the right kind of applicant.
Killian gets on the blower to the white house (he's well connected isn't he? Kind of like Donald Trump, Rupert Murdoch and Simon fucking Cowell rolled into one media sleazoid) to request Big Bad Ben on a plate (as soon as he is captured of course).
Meanwhile, Zer Austian Humvee searches for his "Brudder Edvard", finding the rather quite delicious (well apart from her annoyingly grating "ak-sent") Amber Mendez (Maria Conchita Alonzo), who has taken control of his brother's apartment and possesions (he was shipped away by the authorities for "Re-education").
^^ He's STILL CLASSIER than any Big Brother host...
Arnie promptly takes her hostage (wouldn't we all, eh fellas??) and forces her to accompany him to the nearest airport as
his de-facto wife, in an attempt to flee the US.
Wouldn't you know it, he is rumbled when she squeals to the cops in the departure terminal, and he is promptly captured by
a hilariously OTT webbed contraption with big weights attached to it, rolling around for a bit on the tarmac before eventually
being hauled away to meet Killian. He is offered a deal - prime-time as a runner on TRM, or back to the slammer for some serious
hard-time (not that the big fella would get any Shawshank Redemption-style grief in the showers, mind - he'd be the "daddy"
of the joint for sure). He agrees to play then for ZER ULTIMATE PRIZE - LIFE!!!
So here it goes - Ben Richards must escape across the earthquake-shattered remains of "Old" Los Angeles, all the while chased
by various bloodthirsty "Stalkers" who are out to claim his head, live in front of a baying studio audience (as well of millions
of unwashed homeless joe publico's, who place bets on who/how/when he will get wasted).
1. Subzero - Overweight Japanese bloke with a BIG FUCK-OFF razor-sharp ice-hockey stick and a disturbingly cheery smile. Is ruthlessly garroted with a length of barbed wire, turning the ice of his arena a icky shade of gloopy red plasma.
PAY-OFF LINE: "ACH, HE VAS A PAIN IN ZER NECK!"
2. Dynamo - Even more overweight (played by that scary fat bloke who was Grossburger in "Stir Crazy") buffoon in a weird, crappy designed electro suit that shoots BIG FUCK-OFF shards of electricity at enemies. Looks like a bastard love child of TRON and Jabba the Hut. Drives a silly little buggy (Because he's a fat BASTARD and can't run after the "Runners"). Is electrocuted by water sprinklers, dies wearing a ridiculously big nappy.
PAY OFF LINE: "THERE'S NUFFINK FUNNY ABOUT A DICKLESS MORON WIV A BATTERY UP HIS ASS!"
3. Buzzsaw - Leeringly psychotic bloke with seriously "Leather-Clad-fella-out-of-the-Village-People" facial hair and a BIG FUCK-OFF CHAINSAW. Rides a silly-looking "futuristic" 80's bike. Probably the most sadistic baddie in the movie. Has a brief tussle with Arnult, before he is carved in half (balls upward - OUCH) with his own whirring blade. Last shot of him is of his belt hacked in half.
PAY OFF LINE: "HE HUD TO SPLIT!"
4. Fireball - Hulking black dude with a shiny lycra jumpsuit and a BIG FUCK-OFF FLAMETHROWER. Has a really quite fantastic jet pack to get around the "game-zone". Despite his awesome "Firepower", richards growing popularity amongst the TV audience ensure's he is second favorite in the betting stakes. Is evntually blown up by Conan with a handy flare and a faulty gas line. KABOOOM!
PAY OFF LINE: "AH WHAT A HOT-HEAD!"
5. Captain Freedom - (played by Arnie's old mucker Jesse "The Body" Ventura. He was Blaine in Predator... you know the one with the BIG FUCK-OFF MINI-GUN!?). Huge bloke in gay wrestling outfit. Bad hair-do. Even worse facial rat running across his lips. BIG FUCK-OFF MUSCLES. Eventually decides against facing Ben Richards, as "...I WAS KILLIN' GUYS LIKE THIS TEN YEARS AGO, WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!!"
PAY-OFF LINE: Well erm, actually Captain Freedom doesn't get killed. Killian just uses some handy 80's Pre-CGI to fake Arnie's Death in quite SPECTACULAR style. Shockingly violent but also TREMENDOUSLY FUNNY. Observe the video to get a glimpse of the pre-CGI simulated fight -->
^^ I say they're STILL CLASSIER than any Big Brother contestant...
So, to summarise... Since those halcon day's of the mid 80's, both Arnie (and Jessie) has entered the US political arena. The big man never really hit these uber-violent heights again (Total Recall being a brilliant exception **Goddamn agreed - Bludge). So let's just cherish perhaps his must unsung epic that is THE RUNNING MAN.
With a once in a life-time cast (Mick Fleetwood, Dweezil Zappa, son of Frank - no really) and directed by Paul Micheal Glaser (Starsky out of Starsky and Hutch) - face facts, friends - Is your life complete without seeing and falling in love with this trashy kill-em up?
"KILLIAN!! I"LL BE BACK!!!"
"Only in a re-run..."
Me thinks not.
WHILE Perfecting Arnie's accent in manuscript format, I score this classic:
A good satirical look at the excrement known as reality tv is an independent movie called 'Series 7'. Sort of along the same lines as Running man's kill or be killed, but centred around a reality type show. Another of my personal favourites is 'Idiocracy', for a close look at where the world is headed, when stupidity and idiocy is the norm. On a serious note, there are too many parallels with the political climate between Adelaide and V for Vendetta, so much so, it's scary. Finally, Gattica is another 'too close to reality, it's scary' - film.
Reply to Tetrion
Bludge
February 08, 2010 - 20:32
Subject: Re: Here's a few suggestions.
I like these suggestions and have actually been meaning to see Idiocracy for some time now! I'm a huge fan of Series 7 and believe this film deserves a bigger audience. I believe I'll be reviewing it some time shortly. Thanks for the tip!
