Reviewing a Nicolas Cage movie is often like shooting horse faced fishes in a barrel. Most of his latest films are so ridiculous in nature and his performances within
these films so flamboyantly outrageous that it is impossible TO NOT have an opinion on them. His performance can at some times be so disturbing (as is the large diametre
of his nostrils and the spastic electricity of his flickering hand gestures) that they should label all Nic Cage films with a label:
"WARNING: THE ACTOR IN THIS FILM MAY CAUSE YOUR CHILDREN TO CRY."
Anyway, it seems Nicolas Cage's latest film, 2012, in which his head is so large it creates it's own orbit, thus forcing the world off it's current orbit and creating
mass destruction, seems to be doing quite well, so maybe all his luck isn't up yet. Oh, that's John Cusack? Well I'm sure Nicolas Cage's head is still the cause of the
end of the world. But we're not reviewing 2012 today, I have not the time nor the Ridilin to sit through another Roland Emmerich film at the moment. No, today we are
reviewing the mighty remake of THE WICKER MAN.
For the genre afficionados among us, you may remember the original version of The Wicker Man. A classic film from the 70s that still holds it's cult status to this day
and I think you will find EVERYONE will agree, this movie did not need to be remade, nor did it require Nicolas Cage to be associated to it. Now the incredible
reputation this film has garnered over it's long existence in the industry has a grubby smear of gravy on it's once prestine white suit vest. This smear is the remake.
The Wicker Man remake was written and directed by Neil LaBute. Who is Neil LaBute you ask? Good fucking question is the reply. No, I'm being harsh. Neil LaBute is responsible
for such classics as:
Nurse Betty,
Lakeview Terrace,
In the Company of Men
*noise of wind blowing*
Excuse me, that was me farting in disrespect to an awful fucking resume. Even IF those other films were good, I'd still be farting during Neil LaBute's minute of silence
because he's a fuckbag for remaking The Wicker Man.
Mr. LaBute wasn't happy with his status of asshole for remaking the classic so he bumped it up another notch and employed the all-knowing, all-destroying and all-consuming
Nicolas Cage as the lead man and Ellen Burstyn as the leader of the island "community". Numerous other actors who at one point could have had big careers but failed dismally and
in an embarrassingly world observed fashion appear throughout the film, but I don't care about them and neither do you.
The Wickerman starts out with a bizarre scene in which Nicolas Cage, playing police offer Edward Malus (who I'll be referring to as Nicolas Cage, because let's face it, he hasn't
been able to play a character distinguishable from Nicolas Cage in a LONG time), pulls over a woman and her daughter. The woman seems odd and the daughter
seems to be a little brat. She keeps throwing her doll out the window and Cage goes back to fetch it. The second time she does this Cage turns back to face them and
a truck comes out of nowhere, smashing into their vehicle. The car is fucked up and on fire, the mother is unconscious but the daughter is still all good and Cage tries his best
to get her out. She just sits there staring at him until eventually the car blows up. That's the end of that. This creates alot of pain within Nicolas Cage and he struggles to
get over the fact that they're dead and he didn't do enough to help them. It's affected him so much that he's had alot of time off because of it. His days now consist of moping around
his house and just generally being sad (but with Cage's drooping face who would ever know when he IS happy?).
^^ The Wicker Man remake greatest hits.
One day a strange letter comes across Cage. It's from his ex-fianc'ee, Willow (Kate Beahan - no, she is NOT played by Warwick David from film WILLOW - that would've made this
movie awesome), and it reads that her daughter has gone missing and she desperately seeks his help to find her. Well, Nicolas Cage being the total weirdo he is decides he SHOULD
help this woman he hasn't heard from in a long time and goes out to the mysterious island where she lives to help her. Cage bribes a pilot who does regular courier flights to the island.
He doesn't find it suspicious at ALL that he needed to bribe the pilot because said pilot was literally TOO INTIMIDATED about being seen taking a stranger to the island. He just blindly
persists as he does most of the film and here he is at Summers Isle.
Things are strange on the island from the get go and Nicolas Cage isn't bothered by it one bit, because he's Nicolas Cage and nothing will stop him. Watch out Chuck Norris you weak cunt.
The villagers all seem to follow their leader, Sister Summersisle (Ellen Burstyn), who is like the "queen" of the island. They all go about their business, which evidently is ONE thing,
producing honey to keep the island thriving and in prosperity. Word has it though that last year's batch was not of a subtantial quantity and much work is needed to be done to get the
numbers back up.
Cage meets up with Willow and they discuss her daughter. He begins his investigation and things get weirder. Nobody seems to know of Willow's daughter, Rowan (Erika-Shaye Gair) and Cage
knows something is fishy, especially his face. Slowly he realises he has been setup and lured out to the island. Even Willow is lying to him and he eventually finds out that Rowan is in
fact HIS daughter too! *gasp*
After numerous scenes of bizarre happenings (not intentionally bizarre - just stupid bizarre) Cage comes to learn that the island is run by women and the men are slaves (and how is that
different to real life? bah-doom-tss!) and Cage has simply been lured to the island as a sacrifice to "the wickerman" at an end of season ritual. This will ensure next years batch of
honey is even more successful and the town will thrive. Yes, Rowan is perfectly safe and he has been lured to the island for one purpose, to burn.
The movie closes with Cage acting terribly and burning within the wicker man. All the townspeople cheer and (in the theatrical version) we are treated to a scene of two of the female villagers drinking at a big city bar.
Naturally they're trying to pick up MORE MEN for their evil bidding and for the good of the next harvest. But none of these "men" have the genetic perfection of Nicolas Cage - so who really lost out here ladies? You just burnt the purest, most perfect
specimen of man (along with his sperm bank) and have nothing to show for it.
Truly odd. This film is full of terrible dialogue, random acts of violence, incredibly bad acting and lots of Nicolas Cage. The oddest thing about it is this
remake is shot beautifully. It has vibrant colours, decent effects, cinematography, lighting, blah, blah - they all seem to be quality. The budget was there, why is everything else fucking shit?
An obvious flaw is Nicolas Cage's performance. Sure, it's bad, but to summise it more fairly would be to say it's just standout terrible. It doesn't get worse than this. It's not as though he "phoned in"
his performance either. He's energetic, believe me, but he's all spastic at the same time. His character is also a total oddball, doing things without any real motivation for doing so. I mean,
shit, no wonder the villagers burned him alive, he's chaotic at his calmest!
The Wicker Man remake comedy trailer. ^^
During Cage's stay at Summers Isle, he does the following things:
1. Acts like a manly, egotistical buffoon of a cop.
2. Runs about the place ranting and raving about a person nobody has ever heard of. He wont take no for an answer either. THEY'RE WRONG - HE IS RIGHT! His questioning skills are limited to, "IF I YELL IT WILL YOU BELIEVE ME!? THE GIRL
IS MISSING!?"
3. Screams at his ex-fiancee (while he still thinks she's on his side) about a burnt doll. He wants to know how it got burnt and she simply doesn't know. When she doesn't know he repeats
his questions by yelling it at her, hoping for an answer this time. Once again making the most of his extensive policing history and skills. Naturally, yelling didn't work, it just frightened Willow.
4. He punches the village's female bartender in the face.
5. He harrasses several young girls.
6. He intimidates a class full of young girls with his badge and demands answers from them.
7. He FANTASISES ABOUT HOLDING HIS LONG TIME DROWNED DAUGHTER IN HIS ARMS.
8. He fly kicks Leelee Sobieski in the chest, thus sending her flying into a wall of historical photo and smashing them all.
9. He points a loaded gun at the village school's teacher, rolling her for her bicycle and then cycles off like a madman.
10. He sneaks his way into the village's sacred ritual by wearing a STOLEN bear suit and walking amongst them in "cahoots".
11. He punches out ANOTHER woman while wearing the bear suit and runs off with Rowan, granted she was tied against the tree - so that's not so bad.
Now if somebody came into my homr and starting doing this to people I knew or cared about, fuck me, I'd burn him too. Maybe not in a huge elaborate wicker statue, but I'd burn him.
Not only has his character and his actions been written at random, but his performance is just as random to match it. In our final scene we have Cage being carried off to the wicker statue
for burning. In this proccess they break his legs, put a metal cage (WICKER MAN 2- CAGE VS. CAGE! Ho ho ho!) over his head and pour bees into it so that they sting him visciously. Cage's acting during this segment is horrendous
at best. It's so bad in fact that in the theatrical version this scene has been cut. In it's place is a distant shot of the villagers travelling in a line to the wickerman and Cage's voice dubbed
over it. You hear things like, "KILLING ME WONT BRING BACK YOUR GODDAMN HONEY!", "WHA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?", *hitting noise* "OW, MY LEG!". I shit you not, they are all things he says.
In the uncut scene, when he has bees poured onto his head, he screams out things like "NO! NOT THE BEES! AHH! THEY'RE IN MY EYES!". The only thing is though, reading that just then is MORE
dramatic and genuine than watching Nicolas Cage scream it.
^^ Thank god - he's dead!.
You will only see these scenes in the director's cut because Neil LaBlute is the only guy fucking crazy enough to actually include
these scenes in HIS director's cut! The producers (for the first time ever) actually had MORE taste than the director and KNEW that if the audience were to see Nicolas's feeble attempt at
acting they would scoff and exit the cinema! AMAZING! Whether it be the theatrical or director's cut, this whole ending scene is absolutely fucking terrible and no matter what you cannot
avoid Cage's awful acting when it comes to screaming in terror at something that isn't really happening to him.
The Wickmeran is so badly written and so poorly performed in by Cage that there are several fake trailer You Tube videos portraying The Wickerman as a comedy because the whole thing is such a fucking goofy mess it's that easy to
laugh at. I urge you to avoid this remake at all costs unless you're in the mood for a good laugh. Not just from a critic's perspective but from a sane person's perspective. Save yourself some time and watch some of the following You Tube clips so you can experience the hilarity
of how bad the film is and then go rent the original for a genuine experience, a crazy trip of a film that will leave you stimulated and thought provoked..
While screaming, "NO! NOT THE WICKERMAN REMAKE! AHHHH! IT'S IN MY EYES!", I give this (totally laughable) cinematic abomination:
