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EVIL DEAD RISE- (2023)
DIRECTOR:
Lee Cronin.
STARRING:
Alissa Sutherland, Lily Sullivan.
- Posted May 12, 2024
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The box office success of Evil Dead Rise is the epitomic example of how fucking moronic humans become when formed in masses. After a long cult history and deeply respected lore, across 3 original films, a remake and a TV series, the Evil Dead series has finally made a profit on the big screen. After over 40 years of eeking profit out of its mighty cult following, the Evil Dead has hit mainstream success. Unfortunately, all it took to do this was to fist fuck everything great about the Evil Dead and turn it into a woke fuck hand puppet flapping its mouth violently as it cries ignorant woke chants holding a "#blacklivesmatter" sign.
I can still remember sitting down at the cinema so amped for a new Evil Dead film. Prepared for a lack of Bruce Campbell but still very hopeful and very erect. I remember how throbbing hard I was and then how quickly that throbbing erection became a flacid 2 minute noodle within 15 minutes. I was realising what utter dreck I just laid half of my monthly salary down for. Evil Dead Rise isnt just content with the honour of being a Evil Dead sequel. No - it NEEDS to spread a fucking message of course... Like a smug misandrist womansplaining to a car salesman that he is mansplaining the benefits of a vehicle to her. The irony is in doing this Evil Dead Rise then metaphorically rapes the Evil Dead lore like Harvey Weinstein "auditioning" the next IT girl.
Welcome to millenial Evil Dead! Where we take the infamous and cinema changing deadite POV concept invented by Sam Raimi and turn it into... A FUCKING CUNT DRONE BEING PILOTED BY A FUCKING CUNT wearing a dope hawaiian shirt. This opens us up to the first scene in the film where completely unrelated people go through deadite shit at a cabin because... Yknow... The plan is to randomly set the rest of this movie in an apartment complex and every Evil Dead needs a cabin scene? Um sure.. Except for Army of Darkness? Were the cabin scene any good I'd excuse it but its really fuckin not. Previously said drone is used later on in this by a deadite to cut their own head open LOL *puts on retard voice* "ERGGH IM A DEADITE AND IM GOING TO CUT MY HEAD WITH PISS WEAK ROTARY BLADES FROM A DRONE!"
Anywayyy the title shows and...
*cut to MASCULUNE WOMAN DOING A PREGNANCY PEE TEST IN A SHADY CLUB WITH GHONORREAH LINING ITS WALLS*
Masculine woman (Beth) is calling her masculine sister who lives with her masculine daughter and I think her feminine son? Or theyre both masculine daughters? Or feminine sons? And then also her youngest daughter who is defintely a daughter but I spent a long time working out the older two. I think they were Them/Theys or Xhem/Zheys or... Postage stamps or something??? *shakes head* Masculine sisters are catching up together at Masculine sister 2's (Ellie) apartment because Beth is pregnant and needs time away from the band life. The irony is she came to her sister who seems to be somewhat of an exceptionally self absorbed plank of wood who spends minimal time "parenting". But it's cool because she's a fuckin TATTOO ARTIST man. She's a modern day socially acceptable single mother of postage stamps and a daughter who wont take shit from the evil man in her life. I say this because her husband has left her - at least I think so. I was still trying to figure out the gender of the kids or who was who because they all fuckin look alike. So i tuned out a little... My bad. Fortunately, I missed nothing important.
Turns out Beth did come to the right place because she is also blighted by a man via insemination. So Ellie asks her postage stamps to go drive (even though they look about 13) and get pizza so they can spend the evening being masculine, bitter, cool and allowing the postage stamps to do whatever the fuck they want unattended by any parental guidance. When the postage stamps return there's an earthquake which opens up the basement pavement. Naturally, one of the postage stamps wants to explore it and the other postage stamp yells out "CAREFUL DAN THERE COULD BE AN AFTERSHOCK!" LOLLLL Only a fuckin millennial kid would yell that shit out. Mind you, I wish someone had yelled shit to me about aftershock before I sat and watched this stupid fuckin movie.
Anyway, one of the stamps uncovers the Book of the Dead (err in a subterranean bank vault??) which was shrouded in cloth and poorly CGI'd bugs? Oh cool, I've always loved how the Necronomican has spiney, closey, teethy things... Wait - WHAT THE FUCK HAVE THEY DONE TO THE NECRONOMICAN DESIGN?! YOU FUCKIN BASTARDS THEM/THEY'D IT!!!
The stamp club also found a record which one of them plays (super loud through his fucking PA system he cranks in an apartment?!? Ofc his mother doesnt batter an eyelid over this total lack of respect for the neighbours). On spinning the record backwards it reads out our favourite chant. Except its TOTALLY DIFFERENT... Again - remake or sequel??
*cut to actual deadite POV knocking masculine sister 2 off her ass and eventually doing something to her. Hm, whassat? Oh, no it wasn't the traditional possession rape scene. That would've been offensive... Y'know - like horror is supposed to be? Instead it sorta half committed and pulled a postage stampy, plasticy, watered down SIMILAR SCENE. Thus she gets strung up like the previous installment's rapey possession scenes... But then we just never see what happens LOL COOL EVIL DEAD MOVIE! I mean because the mum's a tattoo artist and the postage stamps are possibly bi/curious? Oh and one of them spins vinyl... Um... What else? Ohhhh yeah! The sister is in a band! That's cool... At least Lee Cronin thinks so anyway hahahaha
What we do see, however, is Ellie returning all fucked up to begin her journey toward becoming what this film thinks is a deadite. Unfortunately, this film thinks a deadite is defined by Marilyn Manson-esque eye contacts, stupid dinosaur screeching noises, saying lots of cool one liners they can quote in the trailer and hurling insults regarding one's ideological leanings. Sorta more like a "Them/They-ite"... After acting like a clearly possessed maniac, attacking her own postage stamps and throwing up fuck tonnes of cum, Ellie passes out and is laid to rest when she completely transforms into a "Them/They-ite"... Again - fuuuuck... Nothing like a deadite. It completely removes me from the film. All I can think is WHY?! Why the fuck did they do this? Again, its NOT a remake! Sigh anyway... We then observe the next THREE KILLS by Ellie all through the POV of a fucking peephole...
*claps slowly for the creative approach to filmmaking*
Postage stamp 1 starts fighting postage stamp 2... or it might've been vice versa. I still cant work it out after my second watch. But, effectively, they start a blame game realising the bank vault shit is what has caused the sudden Them/They-ite possession. Before you know it the oldest... Or youngest... Um daughter... Fuck... Or son ? Begins to turn to Them/They-ite as well. Cue the completely unnecessary scene where he/she/them/they chokes on a miscellaneous but non-bloody oozing substance from her eyes and nose only to moments later cough up insects? Wha? WTF + WHY = EAT A DICK EVIL DEAD RISE! Oh, then he/she/them/they starts eating a glass? Creepy....... Ironic too because at this point in the film I had also begun eating glass to refocus the pain. He/she/them/they is then shortly executed by the youngest daughter, Kassie (with a K mafaka), by ramming a sharp snapped broom handle through its head. I would also happily accept such treatment after this movie.
We see a lot of sharp objects rammed into heads only for Them/They-ites to return from temporary paralysis moments later. It becomes somewhat of a tedious repetetive scenario. Until eventually, at the end, the Them/They-ite version of Ellie and her postage stamps all join into one large conglomerated blob of a monster (erm ok...) making them way less functional, agile or anything else beneficial. Only for a chainsaw to be pulled out in the last 10 minutes of the movie and be used to kill the Them/They-ites once and for all. Very convenient they ignored all the lore and in the last 15 fucking minutes smashed us with actual Evil Dead tropes. COOL STORY BRO! It's almost as though they realised they made a totally neglectful installment of the Evil Dead story and realised they forgot to fill it with memorable Evil Dead shit.
So the two remaining survivors, Beth (Masculine Sister 1) and the youngest daughter, Kassie (with a K), ironically the 2 most gender specific characters in the film, walk off into the sunset. Why didn't they become possessed (given Beth was scratched deeply all the way down her leg by Ellie)? No idea. What happened to the Necronomican? Doesn't matter. What will become of them now? Shut up idiot and check your Twitter feed. Why was this movie made? Good question...
Oh and incase your mind wasn't already blown to fuckery from all of this fuckery? TWIST ENDING... The Deadite chick from the intro scene at the cabin lives in the same apartment complex and everything you just watched happened the day before the cabin scene. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN!
I literally couldn't give a fuck about this movie. It's annoying so many "Evil Dead fans" do... Fuck you guys! We will now receive endless unimportant shit similar to this. In fact the only comparable thing I give less shits about right now than Evil Dead Rise is its director Lee Cronin and his bullshit career. I hate almost every creative direction taken in this film and its this guys fault.
Oh, yeah, but the soundtrack was dope?
Lessons from EDR:
Modern day parents have failed their kids,
Modern day kids exist only in a grey zone,
Fill your movie with modern day ideaology and make money,
Its ok for sequels to shit on and abandon the lore established by movies before them,
Vinyl is so hot right now,
Anyone can legibly spin a vinyl backwards,
People are dumb,
Technology can always replace creativity
That's an extremely vapid, shallow list because this movie is vapid, shallow and unimportant. Its almost like ticking off boxes on some ADs checklist "ensuring minority representation is apparent but ON FACE VALUE only". Like by appearance alone the postage stamps could very possibly be gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) yet there's never any depth to these characters so we never get the full representation. Thus resulting in a bizarre concoction of glossed over alternative/modern stereotypes that come off as superficial and quite frankly fucking annoying. What does any of that shit have to do with the EVIL DEAD? Why the fuck do modern writer/directors have to pull their own fuckin bullshit into existing franchises?
Comparatively, its like meeting a woman/man/them/xhem/xhey/they/letter opener... And though they advertise all the attributes of one half of a successful relationship they also have a tonne of fuckin baggage from their own life they insist on appending to this new potentially amazing relationship. OH YOU FUCKING KILLED IT DIDN'T YOU?! Why can't these people just deal with their trauma by starting a small shitty website full of cynical film reviews... Like me?
While trying to understand how after every Evil Dead release in existence this crap broke records I give this film:
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1.5 OUT OF 5 JAGER-BABIES.
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