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THE FINAL DESTINATION- (2009)
DIRECTOR:
David R. Ellis.
STARRING:
Bobby Campo, Nick Zano, Shantel VanSanten, Haley Webb.
- Posted Jan 18, 2011
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Goddamn... such a long break between reviews and of all fucking dickless movies to return with it has to be 'The Final Destination'. The title alone already suggests what a useless, sloppy, piece of shit of a film this is. Mostly, because as we all know it won't be 'The Final Destination', as movie executives can't get enough of money and yes, another one is guaranteed (and coming soon). Who knows what they'll call it? Hmmm... "Final Destination 5: This Time We REALLY, REALLY Promise It's The Last One... We're Sorry"? Sounds good to me.
Oddly enough this latest and worst entry to what is a dying series is directed by David R.Ellis who helmed the second entry, which was a fairly decent movie. Especially the opening mass death vision; a shocking and brutal pile up on a freeway. The opening to this watered down, weak, fuck face of a film is simply a NASCAR accident which manages to destroy the whole race arena and all blood thirsty patrons viewing the race. Well... you know you came from blood - so here it is, bitches. As a matter of fact you will feel careless for our protagonists/victims throughout the entire film as they're all 2 dimensional assholes. Speaking of dimensions.... sigh... yes, this is in 3D. Because, you know, that's really a bonus in films these days. Cheers, James Cameron! If he were in a SAW film I'd hook him up to some electric 3D glasses and make him sit through 10 screenings of Avatar with them on, as they fry his little, egotistical brain. Obviously, the film is in 3D to distract the viewer from just how flat, fucked, boring, placid, gore deprived and uninspiring this movie is.
'The Final Destination' in a nutshell (as in this movie is so small, unimportant and shallow it could fit inside a nutshell) is about yet another group of unfortunates who after narrowly avoiding death are now relentlessly chased by it, escaping one deadly incident after another. Shocked? Not if you've seen the first three movies. Of course as these movies carry on little stupid bits and pieces are thrown in for an itty bitty change. Unfortunately, this movie relies on *drum roll* 3D... *crickets chirp* No shit, impressive as hey? Y'know 3D - that technology that every movie since mid-2009 seems to feature?! :O :O :O x infinity! They rely on 3D so much in this film (the fucking New Line Cinema logo flies out at you for fucks sake) that they literally sacrifice even the far stretched boundaries of logic from the first three films in favour of stupid things happening just so it can be filmed flying out at you.
Also sacrificed due to 3D is any good cinematography, realistic looking deaths (some of the worst CGI I've seen in a modern major motion picture) and shit that is good. 3D can be done well in a horror film, e.g. Piranha 3D. You wouldn't even know it was intended for 3D were you to watch it in standard 2D. A few subtle scenes, for instance the floating beer bottle, the boat rudder in yo' face... but it's not saturated and stupid. It was done with a certain, subtle style. As opposed to this movie which is just - 3D! 3D! 3D! Why? Once again, the movie is lacking in EVERYTHING else. Fucking lazy I tell you.
To get further into the story is as unnecessary as making a fourth Final Destination... oh... um. Fuck it, I won't make the same mistake New Line Cinema did. There's so much bad shit in this movie I don't know where to go next. Ah, I know! The horrible and wooden characters.
WARNING: ALL CHARACTERS IN 'THE FINAL DESTINATION' ARE WOODEN, BRAINLESS CUNTS! Nick O'Bannon (Bobby Campo), our lead protagonist, you know... the one who will see the death vision and everyone will hate for being a 'freak' but by the end rely on him to save the day? Yeah, well this time he's an idiot. Yep, more idiotic than the last idiots! All that stuff I just covered about people hating him, character development, saving the day? Yeah, well take the pace of that character development from the originals and speed it up by 10 and that's how quick shit turns over in 'The Final Destination'. It's fucking paper thin stuff.
Anyway, Nick is the overly serious, but real nice guy, visionary protagonist. His girlfriend, Lori (Shantel VanSanten) is the whiney, but also very serious and straight minded goody chick. Other people amongst the survivors are their friends Hunt (Nick Zano) and Janet (Haley Webb). Hunt is the typical arrogant jerk who doesn't give a fuck about anyone else but himself and his Vanilla Ice haircut, until his insides are being sucked out through a suction hole at the bottom of a pool. Janet is Hunt's ex-girlfriend and she's the typical total bimbo moron who chooses to be in denial about death now chasing them and continues to be a moron even though that's asking for it as much as someone chain smoking when they have emphysema. I don't think death was even chasing this stupid bitch. For example, a bird defecates on her window, so being the lazy idiot she is she uses the windscreen wipers to remove a GIGANTIC bird shit. Naturally it smears it all across the window. So to clean it off she decides to go through a car wash (picking up a pattern here? Not once has she had to use any physical effort to take care of what should be a small problem!) knowing full well that her sunroof is fucked and keeps opening up on it's own! Gah! WHA?! YOU IDIOT! Then she typically pays no attention to a large sign saying "PLEASE PUT YOUR ANTENNA DOWN". This leads to it snapping off in the wash (flying away in 3D *rolls eyes*) and assisting in her potential demise. Death isn't chasing this girl! She's just an ignorant, modern day moron finally getting her comeuppance! To add some external idiocy to this ridiculous situation, her friends see her car in the car wash, immediately decide she must be drowning and force their car into the other end of the car wash. This pushes her car back just enough to stop her drowning in the spot her car was jammed and thus saving her! WHAT THE FUCK?! THAT IS SO FUCKING STUPID! Why isn't death chasing the people who made this fucking movie?!
To tack on some other annoying characters you have the big, nice black guy, the sweet parental types, the one who loses a friend/loved one in the opening death scene and the rebellious, angry, redneck type. Forgive me if I left any others out... I just don't really care. Oh, to explain once again how stupid these characters are... the rebellious redneck actually manages to be dragged along by the chain of his own tow truck while burning alive!! :O HAHA! How the fuck do you even manage to do that?! Once again, death didn't kill this guy - he's just an idiot! Watching him be dragged by his own truck while burning alive to the song "Why Can't We Be Friends" is absolutely fucking hilarious. Problem is... since when are these movies meant to be funny?! Another massive FAIL.
I cannot put into words how incredibly dumbed down this movie is in comparison to the first three, but of course I'm going to try :D This should literally be called "The ADD Destination". The chilling music from the original films has now been remixed into some sort of thrash metal version. Don't get me wrong, I love heavy metal... a lot. But it's not for this sort of film. Another example of blasting you with extremity to distract you from the fact this movie is absolutely fucking stupid and void of any cinematic quality. It's not even just the music. The "visions" that Nick gets are not subtle at all. Sure, we all know the first vision is literally a dream sequence, but from that point on ALL of his visions are dream sequences. Not like the first where a piece of paper gets shred up and it spells some shit that suggests someone is going to die. It's literally a dream that has a combination of the death and the ingredients that come together to make said death. It's as though Ellis knew the only audience he would attract with this utter bullshit would be Clearasil using, popcorn munching, weed smoking, cinema invading, Kesha listening, i-Phone owning, morons that need LITERAL INFORMATION to understand what the fuck is happening, despite how ridiculously simple the events unfolding are! It's a sign of the future people and I'm fucking TERRIFIED! Yes, not terrified from what I'm seeing on screen but terrified from thinking just how stupid people must be now for this movie to appeal to them!
Oh, they did leave some shit in from the originals. Just most of it is uninspired. There's the ol' utterly boring and done to death "researching the previous events of the last few films on the internet" scene. Oh and of course the snooping kids investigating things they shouldn't be. Only this time they're investigating the scene of the Nascar accident. Only the movie at no point shows us how they got into the arena, nor does it show us any police tape. It does however show us that police don't remove evidence or belongings from crime or accident scenes anymore. One of the survivors jackets is still sitting RIGHT THERE on a bench! Oh well... *stuffs face with popcorn and checks i-Phone for messages in an insecure attempt to feel loved and needed*.
This movie has ONE moment of literal fun, entertainment value. A scene in a hairdresser which takes you back to the days of the first movie where several death traps lay about just waiting to kill our unsuspecting victim, eg. a loose ceiling fan, a pump up hairdressing chair that keeps falling, scissors by the eye, a puddle of conditioner on the ground, etc. It makes you feel tense, even thrilled, building what we've come to know as - SUSPENSE. This is the vital ingredient to the other films but somewhere along the way David R. Ellis seems to have lost track of that.
'The Final Destination' is completely lacking an original storyline, Tony Todd's involvement, appealing characters, good acting, good cinematography, good effects, good kills, a good opening death scene and I won't even get into how fucking bad the last surprise death scene is. So why the fuck would you bother paying money to see this? Hell, I wouldn't even waste my download quota on scoring a torrent of this abysmal shit. Don't just avoid 'The Final Destination'. Fucking hate it with everything you have and hope with everything you have that the fifth instalment will be far better. I say such things because this is quite possibly one of the worst movies I've ever seen and I'm a BIG fan of this series.
While fearing Final Destination 5 is hunting me down, I give this movie:
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0.5 OUT OF 5 JAGER-BABIES.
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