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MOVIE REVIEWS, POLITICALLY INCORRECT RANTS & GENERAL MISANTHROPY
HOME ALONE- (1990)
DIRECTOR:
Chris Colombus.
STARRING:
McCauley Culkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, Catherin O'Hara, John Heard.
- Posted Jun 18, 2009
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I never got the appeal of McCauley Culkin in Home Alone. First, McCauley is quite possibly the lamest name to ever exist. What the fuck were Mr & Mrs Culkin thinking when they named this wretched spawn McCauley? Perhaps they had always planned to set him up for a life of ridicule. Unfortunately this plan did not come to fruition and instead their child became a hugely successful actor instead. Sorry, Culksters, you fucked that one up hey. Back to my point, why was this film Culkin's star vehicle? His character, Kevin McCallister (there we go again with the fucking "Mc's" - was this movie produced by Ronald fucking McDonald?), is quite simply a little fucking monster of an asshole of a terrible human being. He's selfish, cocky, homicidal, indulgent, paranoid, a thief and some type of schizophrenic (going by how often he speaks out aloud to himself). On top of all that he has an annoying face I want to whip with a TV antenna (remember those?) and an even more annoying "cowlick".
McCauley Culkin has since turned into a very ugly, very unknown piece of poo. Flushed down the toilet like many other pieces of poo. To name a few - McCauley Culkin... that is all. You think that's unfair!? Come on! Even Corey Haim gets fucking work these days. Oh sorry, he does have a STAGE career. Well done Culky - that stage is loving your cowlick, big puffy wet lips and stupid red eyes. Unfortunately so is Mila Kunis, who McCauley has been tapping for nearly 7 years now. What a fucking insane world it is ey? All the more reason to KILL McCauley Culkin!
The problem is this movie changed McCauley Culkin. It took him from an egotistical, self righteous little bastard son of Satan and turned him into an egotistical, self righteous little bastard son of Satan who makes a shit load of cash! It's like taking a tire that is already inflated to a sufficent air pressure and pumping it up some more. Turning it into some type of freak of nature tire that you could then fit to a monster truck to drive over smaller, more "normal" vehicles so people can go "Oooh! Big tires crush other cars!". Then a piece of said monster truck can injure someone in the crowd. Ouch, was that uncalled for? Probably, but I refuse to delete it! :)
McCauley Culkin did not need an ego inflation, yet it's all he received. I've seen footage of the little cunt outside of his roles in movies and he was a little egotistical prick. Somebody needed to beat this child, beyond the beatings he received of explicit sexual nature from Michael Jackson - *sings* "It's black, it's white, now it's in your bum... yeah, yeah, yeah!".
So I guess what I'm getting at is, I hate Home Alone, because Culky is in it - and the whole time I can't help but see and know what a little piece of shit not only his character is, but the actor behind the character is. Now let's move on to other reasons why I hate this movie and a short summary of Home Alone's ridiculous story.
Home Alone was produced & written by John Hughes and directed by Chris Colombus in 1990, which means at some point John Candy MUST be in this film and - well wouldn't you know it, he IS in this film. Even if it is just a throwaway part so people can point at the screen and go "Oh look! It's the funny fat guy from Uncle Buck! That was riotous, this movie must be too!".
I have to admit I was only a youngster when this film came out and was naturally hypnotised by all the hijinks the movie had to offer. Not to mention all the crazy falls, spills & carnage. Then there was the delightful film score of orchestral madness to further emphasise what a slapsticky, insanely fun time I'm having watching this child completely mame, torture and destroy two men (Joe Pesci & Daniel Stern) who simply want to rob Kevin's home of it's TOTALLY INSURED material possessions, with no original intention of harming him at all, until he physically injures them of course. This doesn't matter though, because Kevin is the cute little child who likes to hurt people and the men he's hurting are big bad men who like to steal possessions off other people most probably because they've had some type of poverty stricken, or even orphaned upbringing and know no other way of living but to steal. Unlike Kevin who is clearly spoilt and knows no other existence but to live in large multiple story houses with all the luxuries such a house would offer. Such is life & if you want my opinion (and if you're here I assume you do?), I support the underdog - the two naughty, naughty burglars!
To analyse Home Alone in more detail is like analysing a brick before it smashes you in the face and you're left feeling dizzy & retarded with a brain hemmorage. Trying to rationalise anything happening in the movie is a near impossibility because shit is so backwards in the fucked up world of Home Alone that I can only reflect on society in these modern times and become paralysed with fear as I realise that a world that has been raised on Home Alone has turned us into the fucking assholes this movie is filled with.
Exhibit A:
Our "protagonists" (anyone who is a fucking jerk with the surname McCallister or anyone staying in that particular familiy's home at the beginning of the film) are complete and utter useless self-infatuated assholes.
All the adults seem bitter, unless you're Kevin's Dad (John Heard) who is so fucking relaxed I figure he's the only one who has done something about his hypertensive bitter mindset and is now taking some type of prozaic. Why am I supposed to be hoping these people have a great Christmas and why should I sympathise for them?
Also, Peter & Kate McCallister (Catherin O'Hara) are such terrible fucking parents. They lock Kevin up in the attic when he "misbehaves", at least they assume he has misbehaved because they never really give him a chance to tell his side of the story. That's right Kevin, we don't care what you have to say, you're just a stupid child. No wonder he hurts the burglars so much. He has a deep psychological hatred for adults all thanks to his parents not taking him seriously.
The McCallister seniors also can't get their shit together to make it to the airport on time so they rush about like the assholes of today, pushing in line, not following the "order" of the system, all because they're just like the dicks of today who feel they can do whatever the fuck they want because they can't organise their lives more efficiently.
Kevin's mother can't muster up the motivation to count all the children HERSELF (instead delgating this huge responsibility to a teenage girl. Wow, that isn't a recipe for failure - naturally this is how Kevin is misplaced and get's left behind) before leaving for the airport.
Kevin's uncle is full of hatred for young children, or this is how it seems anyway.
All the youngsters are sarcastic, pimple faced, extremely unattractive, spoilt and overly "talented" pricks.
Then finally the youngest child, Fuller (ANOTHER Culkin (Keiran) *shudders* - there is only ONE other Hollywood family who reproduce more than the Culkins and that's the Wayans's family) is literally PROUD of his bed wetting, well I can only assume going by his eyebrow raising in anticipation of his urination mattress soaking.
Furthermore, once the family have realised that Kevin has been left at home (a further display of bad parenting - they pay such little attention to Kevin they didn't even notice his disappearance - *looks back over at the "PSYCHOLOGICAL HATRED FOR ADULTS CAUSED BY A BAD CHILDHOOD" information flyer*) they then expect everyone to drop what they're doing, eg. their jobs at a busy international airport during Christmas, to help them. No, sorry, you fucked up, now deal with it. If you get home a week later and your child has died of malnutrition (you know, like what would happen in real life) then your child's death is on your hands. This is why parenting is a huge responsibility, it's a priveledge, not a right, treat it so.
Once the police are aware of Kate McCallister's issue that she has left her son at home alone while she's in fucking PARIS, they seem to do very little to assist her in the matter. They send a squad car out to check on him and when there is no answer they assume she is some type of crackpot and she is just very upset for no particular reason. Maybe the McCallister's are known for being total assholes in their hometown so it's assumed she's just being a bitch, but as far as I'm concerned the police should be a little more invested in the matter, it's Christmas after all! They just don't seem to care really. I'm pretty sure it would be common knowledge that being a child home on your own, you would be a little bit scared to answer the door at night when someone knocks on it. He's just doing what we've been taught since day 1 in school, don't talk to strangers! Perhaps the police could have rang the mother back and asked if she doesn't mind they could kick the door in or cut the lock and search the fucking house for god's sake. Surely the cost of replace a lock on a door is worth less than making sure her precious bundle of joy is in good healthy and feeling mentally stable (although with Kevin's parents, this could never be an assurance).
Where are the life lessons in this movie? It IS a kid's movie right? All it seems to do is teach people that if you're an ignorant cunt things will (eventually) go your way. This movie has a few simple messages:
"It's okay to take what I want"
"Under priveledged people are bad"
"Little kids are cute even when they're fuckheads"
"Stealing is okay if you're running away from someone who looks kind of scary"
"It's okay to hurt other people if you think that it's right"
"Being ignorant is normal"
"Old men who perform maintenance duties on snow beaten pathways are scary old homicidal men and it's okay to stare and tell bullshit stories about them"
"John Candy is so fat he needs to be transported places in a truck"
"Family is not important"
"Family is important"
I guess that last point isn't so bad. The rest of it, well it's not so good and quite possibly a little mixed up! hehe.
Unfortunately, for Kevin, some burglar's are interested in the McCallister home and they know nobody is going to be home for the Christmas break. But they didn't count on one crazy little fellow called Kevin to be sticking around and what a surprise he has in stall for them - ho, ho, ho! That's right, Kevin is going to hurt these mother fuckers for trying to break into his home and steal some material possessions that could easily be replaced. He's going to hurt them BAD. He does so by burning their heads with a blow torch, cutting their feet with sharp broken glass Christmas ornaments, making one of them step on a nail, shooting one in the FACE, making them slip over and hurt their backs repeatedly, smashing one if the face with an iron, burning one of their hands with a super heated door knob and smashing them both in the face with paint cans. I should take the time out just now to let everyone know that this movie is rated PG in Australia. It is indeed a heart warming film filled with moral lessons of life and love.
Anyway, after pushing both burglar's to the point of near death Kevin finally decides to stop hurting them and calls the police for their arrest. Why he didn't just call the police in the first place, I'm not so sure, I guess that wouldn't have been quite as fun. It would have made this dreck about half an hour shorter, but what the hell, I love watching people fall over and get hurt - IT'S HILARIOUS! I should also note, the only good points I can force out of myself in regards to Home Alone are the performances brought by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern who play the burglars, Marv & Harry. Apparently, they did all their own stunts and they must have gone through hell to do this movie, which probably explains why Pesci is such a cranky bastard in every movie he has ever done since - "You said I was bringing on heat YOU? You Jew mudda fucka you!" - Casino, now THAT'S a good movie!
Anyway, while all this shit is going on Kevin's mother goes through hell trying to get back to her son all the way from Paris. She manages to catch multiple flights to get back to America where she hitches a ride with a travelling band (& John Candy) in a truck. Luckily they were speeding because in John Candy's last scene I could see he was looking particularly hungry and I'd expect he was about to eat everybody in that truck. hehe.
Kevin and his mother are reunited while some whimsical, beautiful music plays. Wouldn't you know it, the rest of the family burst through the door at this point too! Wow, they managed to get a flight back just in time. Holy shit, Kevin's mum, you must feel like a total fucking ass for going through all that shit just so you could get there five minutes earlier.
Wow, I feel warm and fuzzy. Kevin has confronted his fears, foiled the robbery, lived up to his responsibilities and he even got his family back. What a nice neat little package. I'm left wondering how long things stay happy though when the family chemistry seems to be full of so much poison. How long will it be until the parents get angry at Kevin again and start to ignore him. What's going to happen when Kevin's brother finds out he fucked with his stuff? What happens when Kevin needs to explain all the damage caused by the traps he set up? Oh well, that doesn't matter now - people are happy for the next five minutes until the movie ends! :)
Kevin decides not to disclose the fact that he foiled some burglar's plans to steal their possessions. Although I would think it would be in Kevin's best interests to tell them, because they're probably planning to come back and kill him in his sleep once they're let out on bail. Why doesn't he disclose what happens? BECAUSE HE'S EXPERIENCING A SHAME SPIRAL OF HOW MUCH FUCKING PAIN HE INFLICTED ON THE POOR BASTARDS! HE KNOWS HE WAS WRONG AND NOW HE CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT!
Oh well, all that psychological scarring can be explored in the review of the sequel, Home Alone 2 Lost in New York, where Kevin is forgotten about again, befriends a homeless pidgeon lady and warms the heart of a successful, rich toy manufacturer. Ho, ho, ho - Kevin, you crazy cat!
While smashing my face with an iron to beat the Home Alone stupidity out of my head I give this movie:
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1.0 OUT OF 5 JAGER-BABIES.
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